I got out of the house last night and spent some time with some friends. I need to be doing that more often, especially now, but somehow it has just been easier to hide away. I spent a long time talking to my friend Sara. Sara and her husband are the ones who introduced me to the guy who recently left my life. They say they “brought us together”, but in reality, we all go to the same small little church and I was bound to meet him sooner or later. They just made it happen a lot faster and easier (for his part anyway).

I love Sara and Adam so much and I am continually thankful to God for bringing them into my life. They both know that it has been a very hard time. They have been so supportive. It is so wonderful to know there are people there when I need someone to turn to or just a place to get away to for a little while.

So, last night I was feeling the need to get out and get away from my little world for a while. I called Sara and she invited me right over. We talked for quite a while about what is going on with me now and my not being sure of what to do, or even what is really going on. Sara is just as lost and unsure about what has happened as everyone else, but it was nice to talk about it to someone who was there. Most people saw everything going on from the outside, but Sara was right there for a lot of it.

The only thing I didn’t expect and had not crossed my mind, is how Sara and Adam would feel personally about what happened. It was hard for me to hear that they had been hurt also. It is bad enough for me to suffer through this, but never would I have wanted any other to travel this road with me.

I know Sara and Adam will heal and forgive. They are both strong Christians who dearly love the Lord. My concern is how is he taking it? Does he feel that everyone is against him now? Does he think I am against him? Is he just as confused towards God and where He was all this time?

I would just call and ask him these things. Maybe he would tell me how he feels inside. But I am not sure he would wish to open up. He never opened up too easily when we were at our closest so there is little reason for him to feel like it now.

I am sending up prayers for him and all others concerned.

It will be alright. I know that now.

It still hurts at times, some times more then others, but I have grown enough to know that it is not too late.

 

Things are doing much better. Nothing has changed in the physical, tangible sense to make things better. Everyday fife is the same. I guess you would say my outlook had changed. Or you might just say I regained some lost hope. But it was by no means anything I did for myself. I am quite unsure how to figure out life on my own. But the really great, wonderful, amazing thing is, I don’t have to do it on my own. It is not even my job. I forgot this somewhere along the road. I never think I have forgotten it, but then God will open my eyes, I take a good look at myself and I see once again I have tried to take over God’s place. Crazy thing about it is how often I neglect to do the very thing that is my job. Those things God does ask of me. Instead I am off trying to do things I have no ability to do. I think all of us have found ourselves there. More then once or twice I’m sure.

I started feeling a lot better about things when I was reading my devotionals by Joyce Meyer. I have just a handful of them to the left of the screen. They are so uplifting and each has a scripture. It amazed and me how off course my thinking had gotten. It also trilled me how quickly and beautifully God can restore those broken places in us.

So, although things here are just the same and I am just as clueless about my future, God has given me a new hope and reminded me of the promises He has given to me. His promises never fade, tarnish or die.

God’s promises are Forever.

Hold on to them.

 

Today has been hard to get through. I don’t have anything to. Nothing to get me through the day. That is hard enough to deal with on it’s own, no one wants to be lost, lonely and useless, but it is just that much worse when every single person you know has far too much to do.

I never want to be that busy. It keeps you so rushed that life just passes you by as you “busy away”. I, however, am trying my hardest to find something in this life to live for, to get me through each day. It is like everyone is speeding all around me, and I am standing still.

I dealt with this before, in years past, from being sick off and on all my life. It was hard then, especially since it was the growing-up years, going to school, making friends, having fun. I missed all of that. I have missed out on a lot of life. But being here, trapped at 25, is so much worse.

Being well and able and yet trapped. Watching days pass that I can never get back. Every day the deep pain getting harder to bear. Asking God every hour to let me live. Let me have the life you intended, God! Please don’t let another day go to waste!

I have tried talking to those around me. I have been blessed with wonderful, God loving friends and a loving Faith filled mother. But I don’t think they know what to say or do any more then I do. It feels so impossible to explain to them, to put into words what I am going through. I try so hard to tell them so they can be understanding, but I don’t know if they can ever really know. I feel what I feel because of who I am, because of what I have personally gone through. It is unique. No one else can ever really know. I accept this and it helps me to forgive those who don’t understand, also to realize I will not always understand others. I am thankful for that. But, at the same time, it makes me feel more trapped, more humiliated, more desperate to fix whatever has gone wrong.

I leave it in God’s hands. Only He can truly heal and know the right way.

I think, no, I know the thing that concerns me the most is the lack of will to live. No, I have a will to live. Probably much stronger then many who have full lives because I have always been searching and fighting so hard to live. It is more like, I just don’t want to live a life without purpose, without hope and life.

It is so hard to fight the longing to just give up. Just stop trying. Fearing a life spent fighting for a dream that never came true.

This is why it is hard now.

I fully trusted and believed God was guiding me this summer. I prayed over everything so many times and even after I took action I would continue to pray. I went the direction I did all for Him. Then I find myself here.

It is much like when the Israelites where led out of Egypt.

They were slaves to Pharaoh. Living harsh slave lives. God promised them new life in a new land, the Promised Land. He had Moses lead those people out from the slavery right into the wilderness of the desert.

The Promise was still theirs. The Land to come. Yet when faced with traveling through the wilderness they cried out, “I would rather go back to being a slave in Egypt!”

Because of this they wondered the desert for 40 years and never saw the Land they were meant to call home.

This is what I must not do. I need to shed that same spirit the Israelites had.

Even in this barren wasteland, I must continue to rejoice!

The promises given by God in the beginning are still God’s promises to me here in the barren wasteland.

I will see Home.

I will one day truly live.

 

There is no words I know to express how I feel. No words could convey to you what goes through my mind. I am not sure there is any way I could ever let you know of the battles in my heart every moment of every day.

I do feel alone, but I know I am not.

I don’t know why God let this happen. Why in the thousands of times I prayed for Him to guide me this year, to show me His will, He didn’t show me any of this.

People tell me God doesn’t let these things happen, we do them ourselves. I would usually jump right in and agree, but this time, it isn’t so easy. This isn’t something I wanted or a direction I chose. I only went this way because I believed in every part of me that this was what God wanted.

Those of you who would say that God doesn’t let these things happen, you don’t see the hundreds of times this year alone that I got on my knees and asked God’s direction in this situation. I have been praying over this for nearly all the years of my life. I prayed so intensely right before I met this man and even more after.

So why?

This is my battle now. How do I pray, when it is prayer that brought me here? How do I keep the faith, when it was my faith that led me to this place? How do I stand on what I believe, when I am not even sure what to believe?

So my prayer is for God to show me.

Make me to understand.

Help me to believe again

Renew my faith

Heal these wounds

Keep me standing while I wait on you

Let your power and Glory be known in this life you have given to me
Let it be known that all is not lost

Karen reminisced at 12:01 AM CDT

Updated: Saturday, 14 January 2006 9:04 PM CST

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(continued –day 3)
About mid July, I started having to admit to myself that things are definitely not right. I was always praying, endlessly, yet I felt myself drifting farther from God each day. Life was pretty hectic. I was never home anymore. I had dedicated my life to (what I thought was) my husband-to-be and is kids.
But what about God?
I had gotten into all of this mess for God, only now I felt I was loosing Him. The only thing in life worth living for was being slowly pushed out.
One day, while I was doing some cleaning at my fiance’s house, I felt such a mourning in my spirit for those days I once had alone with God. I started this year so deeply dedicated to Him. Here I was folding laundry in a place that still felt so strange to me. Longing for things to be so different. Every moment of every day praying that God has His way, “show me where to go and what to do, Lord!”. But if everything is as it should be, if this is God’s perfect will and plan, why does it seem I am drifting further from Him? Why is it I am so sad and heartbroken? Why is it the guy who is supposed to love and treasure me, seem to feel anything but?
I wanted out. I wanted away just long enough to find God again, Truly find Him, and rediscover what it is He is wanting of me and my life.
That day I made a choice. Probably the hardest one I have had to make so far in my life. I came to God and shared with Him every thought, every feeling. I knew that things were not right in my relationship with my fiance or in my relationship with God and I wasn’t going to let it continue down that same path. I think I knew even then that it was going to be over between me and my fiance, but I wasn’t wanting to face that heartache yet. I wanted to give my heart back to God no matter what it took.
I spent several days in prayer. I needed God to show me what the right direction would be from here and what to say to my fiance. The day came when I felt I should tell him what had been on my heart and all I had been talking to God about. I don’t really know how all of it affected him. I don’t think it was news, he felt it all too. I think neither one of us wanted it to be true or wanted to hear it said out loud. It is funny how we tell ourselves that if we don’t face it, if we don’t give it a name, that maybe it will just go away.
Recently, we decided to call it all off. We had originally just put all wedding plans and our relationship on hold, but I think this is easier on us both.

 

(continued from yesterday’s blog)



The next Sunday, I went to church as usual. Mom and I sat together in a row by ourselves. During the sermon, there was a small girl playing in the row in front of us. I was a little concerned that mom would be bothered by the distractions, but almost as soon as the thought entered my mind mom leaned over and told me how much she was enjoying this little girl. She said she wished she could just take her home. This sounded weird coming from my mom.

As soon as service was over my mom popped right up and started talking to the man that was with this little girl. I was more then shocked. My mom just doesn’t do that. By nature my mom is quiet and doesn’t just start talking to any guy that happens to be sitting in front of her at church.

I just stood back and watched for a moment. I had been feeling for so long now that someone would be coming into my life. I had no proof. It is just what I felt. Then I start getting the hinting that I am going to need to accept a father and his children. In my life the only people I ever meet are in my church and it is a very small church with many of the same people every week. For me to meet anyone is an event, but to meet a father who I would have anything to do with and would want anything to do with me, that is just crazy.

I did wonder that morning what all of this was about. Everything I had been feeling and then here is my mom talking to this man. I never did say much to him, just said hi when mom introduced me and otherwise stayed pretty quite. I figured it was all a crazy coincidence. Something my mind just put together. Nothing real at all.

I put that guy and his little girl out of my mind pretty quickly after that day. I wasn’t about to get weird because of a few feeling and words in my head. I didn’t know for sure what God’s will is or if any of this was Him at all. The next Friday night, I was beside myself. I felt so sure I am supposed to meet someone, be involved with something, but no idea who or what. I would pray and pray but felt no closer to any answer, just had to wait out each day to see what God will choose.

I was in my room praying when the phone rang. The moment I heard it ring I knew it was for me, it is the answer. I never get phone calls. Never. So the chances of it being for me is slim enough, but when I answered the phone it turned out to be a girl I had not talked to in months. She told me that her and her husband are going out to dinner that night and wanted to invite me along. I knew I needed to say yes. I actually laughed at myself for a moment because I had thought that guy from Sunday would have something to do with it and here it was just my friend and her husband. Then she told me that the man I met on Sunday was going to be coming to and asked if that was ok. I almost died. It is just too weird. God, what does that mean? What on earth are you doing?

Long story short….well shorter, I went out that night with all of them, then was invited to go out again the next day after church. That Sunday afternoon, all I could do was look at this guy and his little girl and wonder what was going on. No one had told me if he was interested in me, or why I was suddenly being invited to hang out with all of them. I was so lost and, honestly, scared. This was not at all what I had pictured was coming. I didn’t even know what to think or how to feel. I prayed endlessly. Morning till night and many times through the night as well. I was so desperate for God’s will, for nothing to happen that was not written in His plan. Also, that I would not miss what God wanted because of my own will and wants.

I will say right now, this guy was not and is still not what I wanted or ever would have chosen. Even as I was getting to know him it seems there was always something new about him that would break my heart. I cried so many times wishing for the man that I had always thought would come, yet thinking that this guy may be that man. He may finally be here with me and yet all I can seem to do is cry.

I know you are wondering why I would stay with him if I was so sad and disappointed. All I can say is, I wanted God’s will above all else. I could go deep into all of the ways God spoke to me and the signs showing all of us that this new man in Karen’s life is the right one, but I won’t. Not only would it take a very long time, but I can’t say now what it all means.

In time I did learn to deeply care for this man and his two kids. I opened my heart up to them and fully chose to except them as my family. I guess you could say we were engaged. He never formally asked me and I never saw a ring, but I started planning our wedding and everyone was giving the congratulations. It was like I was dreaming all the time. I would remember when I was five, laying on the couch in our living room dreaming of what it would be like to be married. I vividly remember staring at the ceiling and thinking, ‘would someone really marry me?’. Hear I was 24 and someone wanted to marry me. For the first time in my life I truly believed that life is worth it. All the pain. All the struggles. All the hard work. All of it is worth it for these priceless times, priceless feelings.

If only it could have lasted.

 

I have gone over this, time and time again, in my mind, but I still don’t know how to write it all out. How do you write about what you don’t even know yourself? How do you write about what you can’t see?

I guess I will start off by telling you the subject of what I am speaking about. If you have ever read My Story, on my Wait page, you can have an idea of how long I have been waiting to find the right guy. It has been the strongest dream of my heart since that time when I was 5.

I know there are an endless array of people out there with the same hope and dream, but one difference between me and many of them is I decided, way back when I was 5, that only God would choose the man for me. Only He could really know what man is right and if I would be right for him. I chose to not date or play around. Dedicated to one that I had yet to know. More then willing to save it all for him and him alone. All of the years of my life I have prayed over this man. I have written him letters, poems and in journals dedicated to him. It has not been easy, but not because I want to be with others, only because my heart breaks to not know the one I pray so much for.

This is where we come to present day.

When this year began, I didn’t have anything going on in my life. Nothing taking up too much time. God really pushed me to give that time to Him. I felt it so strong, it just hit me one night that I really need to spend this year with Him. For a few months that is all I did. Hours each day in my bible and in prayer, listening to teaching, watching TBN. I know, you may be thinking “Fanatic” and I probably would too, but it was so right. It is something I never would have done on my own, or even had the patience and grace to do, but God wanted it so it happened.

With a year starting this way, especially after the struggles of last year, I was happier then I had ever been in my life. Things had never seemed more bright and full of hope.

Around late February, I think it was, I started sensing God wanted me to move on. I fought it at first because I couldn’t imagine why God would want me to cut back on learning and bible reading. That just couldn’t be God, right? He ended up giving me a pretty firm push letting me know it was Him. He had wanted me to dedicate myself to those things for a time, but there has to be a time when I move on, when He takes me on to new things. Of course, I still read my bible and listen to teaching and all of that, but we always need to be moving on, growing and living.

At this same time, I was praying for my ‘husband to be’, as I always have, but something was different. I started feeling like he was near. Sounds crazy. I thought it is just my longing to move on and to have what I dream. I started praying God would help me to wait, not grow impatient, but almost a month went by and the feeling had only grown stronger.

I talked to my mom and my friend Aaron about this. I was just so lost and afraid I would start to believe the one for me is coming, only to be let down in the end. My mom would always listen and encourage me to pray and just trust in God to do what is right. I think Aaron thought I was nuts. He told me once that it sounds like I am focusing more on this guy then on God. I felt so bad. Here I had started the year so dedicated to God and now I am focusing on a guy I have never even met and have no idea where he even is. I started just giving all of my time to God. Forcing myself to think on Him and pushing this ‘man to be’ out of my head. This is when God gave me the firm push.

I was so confused. What did God want me to do? Here I am tormented all day with this feeling that someone is going to come into my life, sensations driving me mad, yet there wasn’t anything I could do…….nothing but pray. I didn’t know what was going on, but I just started praying endlessly for whatever God wants to come, to be. In my heart I wanted so much for it to be true, for there ot be the one I have waited for my whole life on the other side of this. All I could to was pray and wait.

One week, I will always remember, I was almost ill because the feeling was so heavy on me. I went out to walk, my favorite time to pray. As I was walking and praying, I saw a dad moving his kids little tricycle back into the garage. At that moment I heard in my head, “be accepting of the dad and his children”. I was a little shocked, but then I started to argue, “but God, that guy is married. What on earth are you talking about?”. Just shook it off and kept walking. Walking through the park and again I hear something inside to except this man as being a father. I told God what I thought, “God I did not wait for 20 some years to be with a man who went and had kids with another women. Did you forget who I am? That is not what I wanted.”.

I sounded mad and forceful, but in truth, I was scared. It isn’t what I wanted. Why would God do that to me? Why would I wait all this time so faithfully, so lonely, for someone who was with someone else while I was waiting for Him? It hurts even know to think about it. I decided to go home. I had enough prayer time for now and didn’t want to hear anymore.

I was nearing my house and saw this very sweet, small boy out on his driveway. He caught my attention because he was just standing there giving me the biggest smile. As I passed he said hi, so I stopped a moment and said hi to him. He dad had been raising the garage door and came over to get his son. Both said by to me and I started walking on. Right then, I had such a feeling that I would be meeting some father and his kids. I hated the thought. It broke my heart, but if it is God’s will then it is the way I want to go.

(continue tomorrow)

Who do I wanna be?

I am moving through the crowd

Trying to find myself

Feel like a guitar that's never played

Will someone strum away?



And I ask myself

Who do I wanna be?

Do I wanna throw away the key?

and invent a whole new me

and I tell myself

No One, No One

Don't wanna be

No One

But me..



My life plays out on the shadows of the wall

I turn the light on to erase it all

I wonder what it's like to not feel worthless

So I'll open all the blinds and turn those curtains

No One, No One

Don't wanna be

No One

But me..



When I'm moving through the crowd...




Taken from: Aly & Aj - No One

I thought I could change the world with a song

It's a big girl world now

Full of big girl things

And everyday I wish I was small

I've been counting on nothing

But he keeps giving me his word

And I am tired of hearing myself speak

Do you ever get weary?

Do you ever get weak?

How do you dream

When you can't fall asleep?



I've been wondering what you're thinking

And if you like my dress tonight?

Would you still say you love me

Under this ordinary moonlight?

I'm so afraid of what you'll say.



I'd like to know if you'd be open

To starting over from scratch

I'd like to know if you'd be open

To giving me a second chance



I used to think I was special

And only I have proved me wrong

I thought I could change

The world with a song

But I have ended up in India

With no lamp to guide me home.

The strangest place I think

I have ever been

And all this time

I thought that we were friends

My stubborn will is learning to bend.



I'd like to know if you'd be open

To starting over from scratch

I'd like to know if you'd be open

To giving me a second chance



It's a big girl world now

Full of big girl things




Kendall Payne- Scratch

 
Not much has been going on here. I did end up catching the flu from either my mom or my friend Cherie. Either way, I am not grateful for receiving it. I did manage to keep myself going for about a week. I didn’t even tell anyone I was feeling sick. I usually would not do that, but my mom ended up getting pretty bad. I have been scared for her a couple times. I just felt like I had to keep going for her. Unfortunately, it caught up with me. Sadly, there was left a full of grown men with no capable woman on board.

If you had come up to me, before I had gotten sick, and asked how my Dad and three brothers would get along without us, I would have said, “They will do great! It will be fine”. But it took only one day of them trying to care for everything themselves to make me realize how much they really need us. I am not saying this as some kind of insult towards men. Not at all.

I just wonder how many woman have a clue just how important our jobs as women really are. Men should not have to do what women were designed to do. It is wonderful if they can, especially in case we get sick or have to go away for a time, but we have a role to play as women to care for our families and our men. I feel such an honor living in this house with these 4 guys. They are blessings to me and I do want to learn how to do my part as a woman and carry that with me when I go start a family of my own.