There is no words I know to express how I feel. No words could convey to you what goes through my mind. I am not sure there is any way I could ever let you know of the battles in my heart every moment of every day.

I do feel alone, but I know I am not.

I don’t know why God let this happen. Why in the thousands of times I prayed for Him to guide me this year, to show me His will, He didn’t show me any of this.

People tell me God doesn’t let these things happen, we do them ourselves. I would usually jump right in and agree, but this time, it isn’t so easy. This isn’t something I wanted or a direction I chose. I only went this way because I believed in every part of me that this was what God wanted.

Those of you who would say that God doesn’t let these things happen, you don’t see the hundreds of times this year alone that I got on my knees and asked God’s direction in this situation. I have been praying over this for nearly all the years of my life. I prayed so intensely right before I met this man and even more after.

So why?

This is my battle now. How do I pray, when it is prayer that brought me here? How do I keep the faith, when it was my faith that led me to this place? How do I stand on what I believe, when I am not even sure what to believe?

So my prayer is for God to show me.

Make me to understand.

Help me to believe again

Renew my faith

Heal these wounds

Keep me standing while I wait on you

Let your power and Glory be known in this life you have given to me
Let it be known that all is not lost

Karen reminisced at 12:01 AM CDT

Updated: Saturday, 14 January 2006 9:04 PM CST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

 
(continued –day 3)
About mid July, I started having to admit to myself that things are definitely not right. I was always praying, endlessly, yet I felt myself drifting farther from God each day. Life was pretty hectic. I was never home anymore. I had dedicated my life to (what I thought was) my husband-to-be and is kids.
But what about God?
I had gotten into all of this mess for God, only now I felt I was loosing Him. The only thing in life worth living for was being slowly pushed out.
One day, while I was doing some cleaning at my fiance’s house, I felt such a mourning in my spirit for those days I once had alone with God. I started this year so deeply dedicated to Him. Here I was folding laundry in a place that still felt so strange to me. Longing for things to be so different. Every moment of every day praying that God has His way, “show me where to go and what to do, Lord!”. But if everything is as it should be, if this is God’s perfect will and plan, why does it seem I am drifting further from Him? Why is it I am so sad and heartbroken? Why is it the guy who is supposed to love and treasure me, seem to feel anything but?
I wanted out. I wanted away just long enough to find God again, Truly find Him, and rediscover what it is He is wanting of me and my life.
That day I made a choice. Probably the hardest one I have had to make so far in my life. I came to God and shared with Him every thought, every feeling. I knew that things were not right in my relationship with my fiance or in my relationship with God and I wasn’t going to let it continue down that same path. I think I knew even then that it was going to be over between me and my fiance, but I wasn’t wanting to face that heartache yet. I wanted to give my heart back to God no matter what it took.
I spent several days in prayer. I needed God to show me what the right direction would be from here and what to say to my fiance. The day came when I felt I should tell him what had been on my heart and all I had been talking to God about. I don’t really know how all of it affected him. I don’t think it was news, he felt it all too. I think neither one of us wanted it to be true or wanted to hear it said out loud. It is funny how we tell ourselves that if we don’t face it, if we don’t give it a name, that maybe it will just go away.
Recently, we decided to call it all off. We had originally just put all wedding plans and our relationship on hold, but I think this is easier on us both.

 

(continued from yesterday’s blog)



The next Sunday, I went to church as usual. Mom and I sat together in a row by ourselves. During the sermon, there was a small girl playing in the row in front of us. I was a little concerned that mom would be bothered by the distractions, but almost as soon as the thought entered my mind mom leaned over and told me how much she was enjoying this little girl. She said she wished she could just take her home. This sounded weird coming from my mom.

As soon as service was over my mom popped right up and started talking to the man that was with this little girl. I was more then shocked. My mom just doesn’t do that. By nature my mom is quiet and doesn’t just start talking to any guy that happens to be sitting in front of her at church.

I just stood back and watched for a moment. I had been feeling for so long now that someone would be coming into my life. I had no proof. It is just what I felt. Then I start getting the hinting that I am going to need to accept a father and his children. In my life the only people I ever meet are in my church and it is a very small church with many of the same people every week. For me to meet anyone is an event, but to meet a father who I would have anything to do with and would want anything to do with me, that is just crazy.

I did wonder that morning what all of this was about. Everything I had been feeling and then here is my mom talking to this man. I never did say much to him, just said hi when mom introduced me and otherwise stayed pretty quite. I figured it was all a crazy coincidence. Something my mind just put together. Nothing real at all.

I put that guy and his little girl out of my mind pretty quickly after that day. I wasn’t about to get weird because of a few feeling and words in my head. I didn’t know for sure what God’s will is or if any of this was Him at all. The next Friday night, I was beside myself. I felt so sure I am supposed to meet someone, be involved with something, but no idea who or what. I would pray and pray but felt no closer to any answer, just had to wait out each day to see what God will choose.

I was in my room praying when the phone rang. The moment I heard it ring I knew it was for me, it is the answer. I never get phone calls. Never. So the chances of it being for me is slim enough, but when I answered the phone it turned out to be a girl I had not talked to in months. She told me that her and her husband are going out to dinner that night and wanted to invite me along. I knew I needed to say yes. I actually laughed at myself for a moment because I had thought that guy from Sunday would have something to do with it and here it was just my friend and her husband. Then she told me that the man I met on Sunday was going to be coming to and asked if that was ok. I almost died. It is just too weird. God, what does that mean? What on earth are you doing?

Long story short….well shorter, I went out that night with all of them, then was invited to go out again the next day after church. That Sunday afternoon, all I could do was look at this guy and his little girl and wonder what was going on. No one had told me if he was interested in me, or why I was suddenly being invited to hang out with all of them. I was so lost and, honestly, scared. This was not at all what I had pictured was coming. I didn’t even know what to think or how to feel. I prayed endlessly. Morning till night and many times through the night as well. I was so desperate for God’s will, for nothing to happen that was not written in His plan. Also, that I would not miss what God wanted because of my own will and wants.

I will say right now, this guy was not and is still not what I wanted or ever would have chosen. Even as I was getting to know him it seems there was always something new about him that would break my heart. I cried so many times wishing for the man that I had always thought would come, yet thinking that this guy may be that man. He may finally be here with me and yet all I can seem to do is cry.

I know you are wondering why I would stay with him if I was so sad and disappointed. All I can say is, I wanted God’s will above all else. I could go deep into all of the ways God spoke to me and the signs showing all of us that this new man in Karen’s life is the right one, but I won’t. Not only would it take a very long time, but I can’t say now what it all means.

In time I did learn to deeply care for this man and his two kids. I opened my heart up to them and fully chose to except them as my family. I guess you could say we were engaged. He never formally asked me and I never saw a ring, but I started planning our wedding and everyone was giving the congratulations. It was like I was dreaming all the time. I would remember when I was five, laying on the couch in our living room dreaming of what it would be like to be married. I vividly remember staring at the ceiling and thinking, ‘would someone really marry me?’. Hear I was 24 and someone wanted to marry me. For the first time in my life I truly believed that life is worth it. All the pain. All the struggles. All the hard work. All of it is worth it for these priceless times, priceless feelings.

If only it could have lasted.

 

I have gone over this, time and time again, in my mind, but I still don’t know how to write it all out. How do you write about what you don’t even know yourself? How do you write about what you can’t see?

I guess I will start off by telling you the subject of what I am speaking about. If you have ever read My Story, on my Wait page, you can have an idea of how long I have been waiting to find the right guy. It has been the strongest dream of my heart since that time when I was 5.

I know there are an endless array of people out there with the same hope and dream, but one difference between me and many of them is I decided, way back when I was 5, that only God would choose the man for me. Only He could really know what man is right and if I would be right for him. I chose to not date or play around. Dedicated to one that I had yet to know. More then willing to save it all for him and him alone. All of the years of my life I have prayed over this man. I have written him letters, poems and in journals dedicated to him. It has not been easy, but not because I want to be with others, only because my heart breaks to not know the one I pray so much for.

This is where we come to present day.

When this year began, I didn’t have anything going on in my life. Nothing taking up too much time. God really pushed me to give that time to Him. I felt it so strong, it just hit me one night that I really need to spend this year with Him. For a few months that is all I did. Hours each day in my bible and in prayer, listening to teaching, watching TBN. I know, you may be thinking “Fanatic” and I probably would too, but it was so right. It is something I never would have done on my own, or even had the patience and grace to do, but God wanted it so it happened.

With a year starting this way, especially after the struggles of last year, I was happier then I had ever been in my life. Things had never seemed more bright and full of hope.

Around late February, I think it was, I started sensing God wanted me to move on. I fought it at first because I couldn’t imagine why God would want me to cut back on learning and bible reading. That just couldn’t be God, right? He ended up giving me a pretty firm push letting me know it was Him. He had wanted me to dedicate myself to those things for a time, but there has to be a time when I move on, when He takes me on to new things. Of course, I still read my bible and listen to teaching and all of that, but we always need to be moving on, growing and living.

At this same time, I was praying for my ‘husband to be’, as I always have, but something was different. I started feeling like he was near. Sounds crazy. I thought it is just my longing to move on and to have what I dream. I started praying God would help me to wait, not grow impatient, but almost a month went by and the feeling had only grown stronger.

I talked to my mom and my friend Aaron about this. I was just so lost and afraid I would start to believe the one for me is coming, only to be let down in the end. My mom would always listen and encourage me to pray and just trust in God to do what is right. I think Aaron thought I was nuts. He told me once that it sounds like I am focusing more on this guy then on God. I felt so bad. Here I had started the year so dedicated to God and now I am focusing on a guy I have never even met and have no idea where he even is. I started just giving all of my time to God. Forcing myself to think on Him and pushing this ‘man to be’ out of my head. This is when God gave me the firm push.

I was so confused. What did God want me to do? Here I am tormented all day with this feeling that someone is going to come into my life, sensations driving me mad, yet there wasn’t anything I could do…….nothing but pray. I didn’t know what was going on, but I just started praying endlessly for whatever God wants to come, to be. In my heart I wanted so much for it to be true, for there ot be the one I have waited for my whole life on the other side of this. All I could to was pray and wait.

One week, I will always remember, I was almost ill because the feeling was so heavy on me. I went out to walk, my favorite time to pray. As I was walking and praying, I saw a dad moving his kids little tricycle back into the garage. At that moment I heard in my head, “be accepting of the dad and his children”. I was a little shocked, but then I started to argue, “but God, that guy is married. What on earth are you talking about?”. Just shook it off and kept walking. Walking through the park and again I hear something inside to except this man as being a father. I told God what I thought, “God I did not wait for 20 some years to be with a man who went and had kids with another women. Did you forget who I am? That is not what I wanted.”.

I sounded mad and forceful, but in truth, I was scared. It isn’t what I wanted. Why would God do that to me? Why would I wait all this time so faithfully, so lonely, for someone who was with someone else while I was waiting for Him? It hurts even know to think about it. I decided to go home. I had enough prayer time for now and didn’t want to hear anymore.

I was nearing my house and saw this very sweet, small boy out on his driveway. He caught my attention because he was just standing there giving me the biggest smile. As I passed he said hi, so I stopped a moment and said hi to him. He dad had been raising the garage door and came over to get his son. Both said by to me and I started walking on. Right then, I had such a feeling that I would be meeting some father and his kids. I hated the thought. It broke my heart, but if it is God’s will then it is the way I want to go.

(continue tomorrow)

Who do I wanna be?

I am moving through the crowd

Trying to find myself

Feel like a guitar that's never played

Will someone strum away?



And I ask myself

Who do I wanna be?

Do I wanna throw away the key?

and invent a whole new me

and I tell myself

No One, No One

Don't wanna be

No One

But me..



My life plays out on the shadows of the wall

I turn the light on to erase it all

I wonder what it's like to not feel worthless

So I'll open all the blinds and turn those curtains

No One, No One

Don't wanna be

No One

But me..



When I'm moving through the crowd...




Taken from: Aly & Aj - No One

I thought I could change the world with a song

It's a big girl world now

Full of big girl things

And everyday I wish I was small

I've been counting on nothing

But he keeps giving me his word

And I am tired of hearing myself speak

Do you ever get weary?

Do you ever get weak?

How do you dream

When you can't fall asleep?



I've been wondering what you're thinking

And if you like my dress tonight?

Would you still say you love me

Under this ordinary moonlight?

I'm so afraid of what you'll say.



I'd like to know if you'd be open

To starting over from scratch

I'd like to know if you'd be open

To giving me a second chance



I used to think I was special

And only I have proved me wrong

I thought I could change

The world with a song

But I have ended up in India

With no lamp to guide me home.

The strangest place I think

I have ever been

And all this time

I thought that we were friends

My stubborn will is learning to bend.



I'd like to know if you'd be open

To starting over from scratch

I'd like to know if you'd be open

To giving me a second chance



It's a big girl world now

Full of big girl things




Kendall Payne- Scratch

 
Not much has been going on here. I did end up catching the flu from either my mom or my friend Cherie. Either way, I am not grateful for receiving it. I did manage to keep myself going for about a week. I didn’t even tell anyone I was feeling sick. I usually would not do that, but my mom ended up getting pretty bad. I have been scared for her a couple times. I just felt like I had to keep going for her. Unfortunately, it caught up with me. Sadly, there was left a full of grown men with no capable woman on board.

If you had come up to me, before I had gotten sick, and asked how my Dad and three brothers would get along without us, I would have said, “They will do great! It will be fine”. But it took only one day of them trying to care for everything themselves to make me realize how much they really need us. I am not saying this as some kind of insult towards men. Not at all.

I just wonder how many woman have a clue just how important our jobs as women really are. Men should not have to do what women were designed to do. It is wonderful if they can, especially in case we get sick or have to go away for a time, but we have a role to play as women to care for our families and our men. I feel such an honor living in this house with these 4 guys. They are blessings to me and I do want to learn how to do my part as a woman and carry that with me when I go start a family of my own.

 
Life has some crazy twists. One week it seems like everything is just as it should be, finally things are going my way, then something so unexpected can creep in and shake everything up. It can appear to knock everything off course. Yes, I do mean appear. It seems like everything it so crazy, but God never looses control.

He never looses His cool.

When you find that you have fallen, fearing all is lost, look around you and you will see that He has had you in his arms all along.

Let me explain a little of what I am talking about.

February 9th around 11:00pm, I was strongly feeling led to fill my life with teaching, Biblical teaching. I had never done anything like that before, in fact, I grew up around some Christians who warned against reading books or listening to sermons, Christian television and the like. Unfortunately, over the years I had learned to have an attitude about such things, without even realizing it. Well, on that night, it hit me so strong that without even taking time to think through and deeply consider, I just turned on my tv to TBN and started watching.

I can not tell you now what it was they were teaching that night. I honestly don’t remember. What I do remember is how I felt inside. I just felt right. Like when you know you are just where you are supposed to be.

After the program was over, I read some Word and went to bed feeling more at peace then I think I have ever felt before in my life. I knew the next morning I would be taking in more teaching. I knew that there are so many things I need to learn and understand. Thank You, God for raising up these vessels for Your words to flow through. It has totally changed my whole life.

I started getting up at 5:00am, taking time to pray and spend time with God, then, rather then saying “amen” and forgetting all about Him, I took God with me all through my day. I brought Him in all I did. I figured out creative ways to listen to sermons and teaching while doing my daily tasks and discovered just how much better my time was spent listing to God’s Word rather then watching the latest designs on Trading Spaces or listing to my favorite album.

I kept this routine up for 2 solid months and had every intention of making it my life from that day forward, but this is where an unexpected twist comes in. You see God will always keep us moving on. Always growing, always learning, always changing. I wanted nothing more then to just stay right where I was, filling my mind with all there is to know of God and His ways, but God has much, MUCH bigger plans for this life He has given to me.

I remember one day feeling that it was time for me to pull away a little. I knew I was starting to neglect my family and duties, things people were depending on me to do. I kept telling myself, “That is so not right! I am doing this for God.”. I kept fighting off the feeling of needing to get back into life, convincing myself that somehow I had gotten to “holy” to do those meaningless tasks.

It is funny to think back on it now because I know how it felt to be at that place. I felt like I was invincible. Like I had arrived. Ha haa ha! I can’t imagine how my “holiness” must have looked to God. I am sure I don’t want to know. I do know, when I look back on it, I was becoming full of pride and self-confidence. At the one time in my life when I thought I was leaning on God the most, I was completely missing Him. DON'T GO YET! I'm not done.

See, what I was doing was not wrong at all, in fact I am still quite sure that God was leading me to learn, just as I had said. The thing that went wrong was me. I became so proud of all I was learning, and saw so much power in knowing so much, that I forgot the very heart of it. I was no longer even applying some of the very things I was learning.

::::: My real point in telling all of this - Although I could not see that I had strayed, God could see it all, every move, every motive. I would have led myself to complete destruction, even with something so seemingly good. BUT, God would not let that happen. He saw exactly where I was headed and set me back on track.

I still love listening to teaching and filling myself with God’s wisdom and knowledge. I recommend spending more time filling yourselves with God rather then tv, movies, or whatever you personally fill your hours with. But, rather then neglecting all else, learn to bring God everywhere you go. Say short prayers all through the day. Talk with friends and family about what you have been reading in the Word. Take time to pray with others and for others.

Pray for God to show ways to bring Him more and more into your life and into the lives of those you are spending your days with.

He will be faithful in answering your prayer.

 
God’s answer to me was to chase after Him more. Making Him my whole world, my everything. Seeking Him as I would a new love.

   I had a word spoken over me once many years ago. The woman told me that God desires for me to love and romance Him as I would a beau. Someone I truly love and seek to know more and be with more. All of these years later I am just now choosing to seek Him and love Him as He had desired even way back then.

   It is taking some time and learning, but never in my life has everything been so clear, so full of meaning and purpose. I am overwhelmed with a sense of purpose, safety, and love. Is this what God has always intended? Could it be that so many are aimlessly wandering through life never knowing what it is to be truly free, truly alive?

   But the life I feel right now had one side effect I didn’t expect. I now see such sorrow and loneliness in everyone around me. I want so much to tell them, “It doesn’t have to be this way!”, but somehow I just can’t find the words. How do you explain what can only be experienced?

My heart has been breaking over the love and devotion of our Lord Jesus. I had spent my life as a Christian knowing Jesus had died for me. But I never really knew. I never had never before totally grasped what it was He did for us by dieing on that cross. I want to share it. I want to give everyone a chance to know just how much Jesus did that day. I want everyone to know just how free He made us in Him. This is my wish.

   I will shout it from the rooftops what it is He has done!

 
I have been a Christian girl all my life. There have been varying degrees of devotion to my Precious Savior and Father through the years, but no matter where I have been in this life, He has always been a part of who I am. But what would happen if He was more then “just a part” of me? How would my life, and the lives of those around me, change if I really let go of my life and let God have His way?

   Last night, I heard that voice in my heart. The voice we so often choose to ignore and is so easily drowned out by everyday events. But last night, I stopped just long enough to hear it.

   I was sitting on the edge of my bed praying. I was feeling such a need for direction, for some kind of answer. A prayer I have prayed so many times before. Praying with such earnest but beginning to feel desperation set in. Fear growing inside that, maybe, once again I would pray just to have life continue on just as it had been before. As I continued on in prayer, in my heart was questioning why God never answers. I know He is there. I know He is listening. He even gives His word that He hears us when we call and He will answer us. So, why do I still have no answer?

   Right then I heard it, deep inside, so soft and quite. It was as if someone was whispering inside of me. But yet I heard is so loud and clear. It said, “I already told you what to do. You know what to do. You just decided that it was not the answer you wanted.”

   I sat there for who knows how long, just staring off at nothing at all, one thing going around in my head. I had known all along. I did know the answer, but I had chosen to overlook it, pretend it was never there, fighting for God to direct how I would prefer rather then the way He had instructed.

   How often do we do that in life? How many of us are going around the same track over and over again just hoping it will lead someplace new this time around? It scares me to think about how long I have been circling this same track, but it scares me much more to think where I will end up if I never go a new way, God’s way.

   1 Kings 19:11-12

11"Go out and stand before me on the mountain," the LORD told him. And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper.