I have gone over this, time and time again, in my mind, but I still don’t know how to write it all out. How do you write about what you don’t even know yourself? How do you write about what you can’t see?

I guess I will start off by telling you the subject of what I am speaking about. If you have ever read My Story, on my Wait page, you can have an idea of how long I have been waiting to find the right guy. It has been the strongest dream of my heart since that time when I was 5.

I know there are an endless array of people out there with the same hope and dream, but one difference between me and many of them is I decided, way back when I was 5, that only God would choose the man for me. Only He could really know what man is right and if I would be right for him. I chose to not date or play around. Dedicated to one that I had yet to know. More then willing to save it all for him and him alone. All of the years of my life I have prayed over this man. I have written him letters, poems and in journals dedicated to him. It has not been easy, but not because I want to be with others, only because my heart breaks to not know the one I pray so much for.

This is where we come to present day.

When this year began, I didn’t have anything going on in my life. Nothing taking up too much time. God really pushed me to give that time to Him. I felt it so strong, it just hit me one night that I really need to spend this year with Him. For a few months that is all I did. Hours each day in my bible and in prayer, listening to teaching, watching TBN. I know, you may be thinking “Fanatic” and I probably would too, but it was so right. It is something I never would have done on my own, or even had the patience and grace to do, but God wanted it so it happened.

With a year starting this way, especially after the struggles of last year, I was happier then I had ever been in my life. Things had never seemed more bright and full of hope.

Around late February, I think it was, I started sensing God wanted me to move on. I fought it at first because I couldn’t imagine why God would want me to cut back on learning and bible reading. That just couldn’t be God, right? He ended up giving me a pretty firm push letting me know it was Him. He had wanted me to dedicate myself to those things for a time, but there has to be a time when I move on, when He takes me on to new things. Of course, I still read my bible and listen to teaching and all of that, but we always need to be moving on, growing and living.

At this same time, I was praying for my ‘husband to be’, as I always have, but something was different. I started feeling like he was near. Sounds crazy. I thought it is just my longing to move on and to have what I dream. I started praying God would help me to wait, not grow impatient, but almost a month went by and the feeling had only grown stronger.

I talked to my mom and my friend Aaron about this. I was just so lost and afraid I would start to believe the one for me is coming, only to be let down in the end. My mom would always listen and encourage me to pray and just trust in God to do what is right. I think Aaron thought I was nuts. He told me once that it sounds like I am focusing more on this guy then on God. I felt so bad. Here I had started the year so dedicated to God and now I am focusing on a guy I have never even met and have no idea where he even is. I started just giving all of my time to God. Forcing myself to think on Him and pushing this ‘man to be’ out of my head. This is when God gave me the firm push.

I was so confused. What did God want me to do? Here I am tormented all day with this feeling that someone is going to come into my life, sensations driving me mad, yet there wasn’t anything I could do…….nothing but pray. I didn’t know what was going on, but I just started praying endlessly for whatever God wants to come, to be. In my heart I wanted so much for it to be true, for there ot be the one I have waited for my whole life on the other side of this. All I could to was pray and wait.

One week, I will always remember, I was almost ill because the feeling was so heavy on me. I went out to walk, my favorite time to pray. As I was walking and praying, I saw a dad moving his kids little tricycle back into the garage. At that moment I heard in my head, “be accepting of the dad and his children”. I was a little shocked, but then I started to argue, “but God, that guy is married. What on earth are you talking about?”. Just shook it off and kept walking. Walking through the park and again I hear something inside to except this man as being a father. I told God what I thought, “God I did not wait for 20 some years to be with a man who went and had kids with another women. Did you forget who I am? That is not what I wanted.”.

I sounded mad and forceful, but in truth, I was scared. It isn’t what I wanted. Why would God do that to me? Why would I wait all this time so faithfully, so lonely, for someone who was with someone else while I was waiting for Him? It hurts even know to think about it. I decided to go home. I had enough prayer time for now and didn’t want to hear anymore.

I was nearing my house and saw this very sweet, small boy out on his driveway. He caught my attention because he was just standing there giving me the biggest smile. As I passed he said hi, so I stopped a moment and said hi to him. He dad had been raising the garage door and came over to get his son. Both said by to me and I started walking on. Right then, I had such a feeling that I would be meeting some father and his kids. I hated the thought. It broke my heart, but if it is God’s will then it is the way I want to go.

(continue tomorrow)