(continued –day 3)
About mid July, I started having to admit to myself that things are definitely not right. I was always praying, endlessly, yet I felt myself drifting farther from God each day. Life was pretty hectic. I was never home anymore. I had dedicated my life to (what I thought was) my husband-to-be and is kids.
But what about God?
I had gotten into all of this mess for God, only now I felt I was loosing Him. The only thing in life worth living for was being slowly pushed out.
One day, while I was doing some cleaning at my fiance’s house, I felt such a mourning in my spirit for those days I once had alone with God. I started this year so deeply dedicated to Him. Here I was folding laundry in a place that still felt so strange to me. Longing for things to be so different. Every moment of every day praying that God has His way, “show me where to go and what to do, Lord!”. But if everything is as it should be, if this is God’s perfect will and plan, why does it seem I am drifting further from Him? Why is it I am so sad and heartbroken? Why is it the guy who is supposed to love and treasure me, seem to feel anything but?
I wanted out. I wanted away just long enough to find God again, Truly find Him, and rediscover what it is He is wanting of me and my life.
That day I made a choice. Probably the hardest one I have had to make so far in my life. I came to God and shared with Him every thought, every feeling. I knew that things were not right in my relationship with my fiance or in my relationship with God and I wasn’t going to let it continue down that same path. I think I knew even then that it was going to be over between me and my fiance, but I wasn’t wanting to face that heartache yet. I wanted to give my heart back to God no matter what it took.
I spent several days in prayer. I needed God to show me what the right direction would be from here and what to say to my fiance. The day came when I felt I should tell him what had been on my heart and all I had been talking to God about. I don’t really know how all of it affected him. I don’t think it was news, he felt it all too. I think neither one of us wanted it to be true or wanted to hear it said out loud. It is funny how we tell ourselves that if we don’t face it, if we don’t give it a name, that maybe it will just go away.
Recently, we decided to call it all off. We had originally just put all wedding plans and our relationship on hold, but I think this is easier on us both.