(continued from yesterday’s blog)



The next Sunday, I went to church as usual. Mom and I sat together in a row by ourselves. During the sermon, there was a small girl playing in the row in front of us. I was a little concerned that mom would be bothered by the distractions, but almost as soon as the thought entered my mind mom leaned over and told me how much she was enjoying this little girl. She said she wished she could just take her home. This sounded weird coming from my mom.

As soon as service was over my mom popped right up and started talking to the man that was with this little girl. I was more then shocked. My mom just doesn’t do that. By nature my mom is quiet and doesn’t just start talking to any guy that happens to be sitting in front of her at church.

I just stood back and watched for a moment. I had been feeling for so long now that someone would be coming into my life. I had no proof. It is just what I felt. Then I start getting the hinting that I am going to need to accept a father and his children. In my life the only people I ever meet are in my church and it is a very small church with many of the same people every week. For me to meet anyone is an event, but to meet a father who I would have anything to do with and would want anything to do with me, that is just crazy.

I did wonder that morning what all of this was about. Everything I had been feeling and then here is my mom talking to this man. I never did say much to him, just said hi when mom introduced me and otherwise stayed pretty quite. I figured it was all a crazy coincidence. Something my mind just put together. Nothing real at all.

I put that guy and his little girl out of my mind pretty quickly after that day. I wasn’t about to get weird because of a few feeling and words in my head. I didn’t know for sure what God’s will is or if any of this was Him at all. The next Friday night, I was beside myself. I felt so sure I am supposed to meet someone, be involved with something, but no idea who or what. I would pray and pray but felt no closer to any answer, just had to wait out each day to see what God will choose.

I was in my room praying when the phone rang. The moment I heard it ring I knew it was for me, it is the answer. I never get phone calls. Never. So the chances of it being for me is slim enough, but when I answered the phone it turned out to be a girl I had not talked to in months. She told me that her and her husband are going out to dinner that night and wanted to invite me along. I knew I needed to say yes. I actually laughed at myself for a moment because I had thought that guy from Sunday would have something to do with it and here it was just my friend and her husband. Then she told me that the man I met on Sunday was going to be coming to and asked if that was ok. I almost died. It is just too weird. God, what does that mean? What on earth are you doing?

Long story short….well shorter, I went out that night with all of them, then was invited to go out again the next day after church. That Sunday afternoon, all I could do was look at this guy and his little girl and wonder what was going on. No one had told me if he was interested in me, or why I was suddenly being invited to hang out with all of them. I was so lost and, honestly, scared. This was not at all what I had pictured was coming. I didn’t even know what to think or how to feel. I prayed endlessly. Morning till night and many times through the night as well. I was so desperate for God’s will, for nothing to happen that was not written in His plan. Also, that I would not miss what God wanted because of my own will and wants.

I will say right now, this guy was not and is still not what I wanted or ever would have chosen. Even as I was getting to know him it seems there was always something new about him that would break my heart. I cried so many times wishing for the man that I had always thought would come, yet thinking that this guy may be that man. He may finally be here with me and yet all I can seem to do is cry.

I know you are wondering why I would stay with him if I was so sad and disappointed. All I can say is, I wanted God’s will above all else. I could go deep into all of the ways God spoke to me and the signs showing all of us that this new man in Karen’s life is the right one, but I won’t. Not only would it take a very long time, but I can’t say now what it all means.

In time I did learn to deeply care for this man and his two kids. I opened my heart up to them and fully chose to except them as my family. I guess you could say we were engaged. He never formally asked me and I never saw a ring, but I started planning our wedding and everyone was giving the congratulations. It was like I was dreaming all the time. I would remember when I was five, laying on the couch in our living room dreaming of what it would be like to be married. I vividly remember staring at the ceiling and thinking, ‘would someone really marry me?’. Hear I was 24 and someone wanted to marry me. For the first time in my life I truly believed that life is worth it. All the pain. All the struggles. All the hard work. All of it is worth it for these priceless times, priceless feelings.

If only it could have lasted.