There is no words I know to express how I feel. No words could convey to you what goes through my mind. I am not sure there is any way I could ever let you know of the battles in my heart every moment of every day.

I do feel alone, but I know I am not.

I don’t know why God let this happen. Why in the thousands of times I prayed for Him to guide me this year, to show me His will, He didn’t show me any of this.

People tell me God doesn’t let these things happen, we do them ourselves. I would usually jump right in and agree, but this time, it isn’t so easy. This isn’t something I wanted or a direction I chose. I only went this way because I believed in every part of me that this was what God wanted.

Those of you who would say that God doesn’t let these things happen, you don’t see the hundreds of times this year alone that I got on my knees and asked God’s direction in this situation. I have been praying over this for nearly all the years of my life. I prayed so intensely right before I met this man and even more after.

So why?

This is my battle now. How do I pray, when it is prayer that brought me here? How do I keep the faith, when it was my faith that led me to this place? How do I stand on what I believe, when I am not even sure what to believe?

So my prayer is for God to show me.

Make me to understand.

Help me to believe again

Renew my faith

Heal these wounds

Keep me standing while I wait on you

Let your power and Glory be known in this life you have given to me
Let it be known that all is not lost

Karen reminisced at 12:01 AM CDT

Updated: Saturday, 14 January 2006 9:04 PM CST

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