Today has been hard to get through. I don’t have anything to. Nothing to get me through the day. That is hard enough to deal with on it’s own, no one wants to be lost, lonely and useless, but it is just that much worse when every single person you know has far too much to do.

I never want to be that busy. It keeps you so rushed that life just passes you by as you “busy away”. I, however, am trying my hardest to find something in this life to live for, to get me through each day. It is like everyone is speeding all around me, and I am standing still.

I dealt with this before, in years past, from being sick off and on all my life. It was hard then, especially since it was the growing-up years, going to school, making friends, having fun. I missed all of that. I have missed out on a lot of life. But being here, trapped at 25, is so much worse.

Being well and able and yet trapped. Watching days pass that I can never get back. Every day the deep pain getting harder to bear. Asking God every hour to let me live. Let me have the life you intended, God! Please don’t let another day go to waste!

I have tried talking to those around me. I have been blessed with wonderful, God loving friends and a loving Faith filled mother. But I don’t think they know what to say or do any more then I do. It feels so impossible to explain to them, to put into words what I am going through. I try so hard to tell them so they can be understanding, but I don’t know if they can ever really know. I feel what I feel because of who I am, because of what I have personally gone through. It is unique. No one else can ever really know. I accept this and it helps me to forgive those who don’t understand, also to realize I will not always understand others. I am thankful for that. But, at the same time, it makes me feel more trapped, more humiliated, more desperate to fix whatever has gone wrong.

I leave it in God’s hands. Only He can truly heal and know the right way.

I think, no, I know the thing that concerns me the most is the lack of will to live. No, I have a will to live. Probably much stronger then many who have full lives because I have always been searching and fighting so hard to live. It is more like, I just don’t want to live a life without purpose, without hope and life.

It is so hard to fight the longing to just give up. Just stop trying. Fearing a life spent fighting for a dream that never came true.

This is why it is hard now.

I fully trusted and believed God was guiding me this summer. I prayed over everything so many times and even after I took action I would continue to pray. I went the direction I did all for Him. Then I find myself here.

It is much like when the Israelites where led out of Egypt.

They were slaves to Pharaoh. Living harsh slave lives. God promised them new life in a new land, the Promised Land. He had Moses lead those people out from the slavery right into the wilderness of the desert.

The Promise was still theirs. The Land to come. Yet when faced with traveling through the wilderness they cried out, “I would rather go back to being a slave in Egypt!”

Because of this they wondered the desert for 40 years and never saw the Land they were meant to call home.

This is what I must not do. I need to shed that same spirit the Israelites had.

Even in this barren wasteland, I must continue to rejoice!

The promises given by God in the beginning are still God’s promises to me here in the barren wasteland.

I will see Home.

I will one day truly live.