Here I go?

Ok, I checked out further information on going back to school. The classes are by ICC (Ilionois Central College) They started the free classes in August and they continue through to December. I am hoping and believing they will start them up again the same time next year. If so I have almost a full year to study and learn all I can before I take my placement test.

I saw that they have online prep-classes and online tutoring as well, but one of the requirements for using them is to place at least 9th grade level math. I haven’t taken any placement tests yet and have no idea where my math is. One of the down sides to home-schooling is you never really know what grade or place are, so who knows where I left off. My only concern is that they may not be able to help me if I am too far back in any given subject. In that case I would need to work myself up to a higher level in that area.

When I was in home-school I finished all my classes in Science, Social Studies. I don’t think that would count here so I would have to take the classes yet again. This is a hard pill to swallow, but if it must be done then I will do it.

The classes and testing will cover:

Constitution Test

Language Arts – Reading

Language Arts – Writing

Mathematics

Science

Social Studies



Here I go….

Why wait? Why not?

I had decided to take a couple weeks off from working on my site to work on my life. I knew I wanted to do something but didn’t know what direction I wanted to go. I am eager and proud to say that I am going back to school.

Many had been encouraging me to just get a job. I saw no real future in that. True, I would be making some cash, but I would not necessarily be taking steps toward a better future. I always thought I would have to wait to go to school after I was married, either before kids or take classes while my own kids are in school. Why wait? That would be much more difficult and the beauty of my life at this point is I have the time and financial support to be a full time student. I will finish sooner and then be open to a whole new set of options.

I had struggled this past week with these ideas simply because I don’t know what will be on the other side of my finishing school. I have never wanted to be a career woman. My dream is to be a housewife with kids and care for my family. Cooking, cleaning and caring, these are the things I dream of. In today’s world this is growing harder and harder for people to do. I realize this. I have always said I want to care for my family and be the best I can be for my husband and kids. I know that I will be much better for all of us if I have a good, solid education and even the ability to provide some extra money if needed.

I have always thought I would make sacrifices and work hard for the good of my family but I had not thought as much about what I could be doing in my life right now for them. Right now I want to finish school. After that who knows, but I see nothing but hope and a bright future ahead.

All the thanks be to God for being my continuous help, love and guide through every moment of my life. I am nothing without Him. I have all I need and more with Him. Thank you God, I knew you would get me through and will continue to all the rest of my days. I look forward to living my life for You!

. . . but that day is coming, I know it is. I will be alright.

Sorry that my last blog stop sort of abruptly. My mom wanted the computer rather quickly so I just sent the post as is, unfinished and all.

Cherie talked to me for a while last night and even came to visit me for a while today. I am so grateful for her. She has been such encouragement to me and even healing to my soul in many ways. I am so blessed and grateful to have a friend like her. I never would have imagined I would have someone care for me so much though all of this. I am blessed.

My mom informed me last night that Frank was at church on Sunday morning. I had been so concerned about his not being there anymore and prayed over him many times, yet somehow it shook me up to think about him being back. Actually, it scared me. That is why I called Cherie last night. After finally getting some dreamless sleep this afternoon I feel much better about it. I am glad he is still keeping with God. I do wish him the best just as much as I did before. I just fear at times what might happen to me in all of this. . . .

But, mom assures me that she doesn’t believe he wishes me any harm and I have no reason to fear. I think she is right. I do wish I had the right man here with me now, to not have to go through any of this, to not have to walk into church alone again. . . . but that day is coming, I know it is. I will be alright.

the most unwanted dreams

Sorry for being away for a while. Still learning and growing after all that I have been through. I have had some good days but there is still much to get through.

I am considering going back to school. A friend of mine suggested it to me a few weeks back. At that time I thought, “no way! I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning or convince myself to shower and eat. How will I ever be disciplined enough to study and learn?” I still wonder how best I will do it but I also want to give it a good shot. I don’t know it is it the right move or the direction I will end up going, but I have nothing to loose in trying.

My big problem has been severe depression and will to die. I know I can’t die ( or at least it is not likely to happen), so I want to work at getting past this depression, find a reason to live, a reason to go on. I only wish I wasn’t so alone in all of this.

I know God is there, but I feel so unsure how to talk to Him. What do I need to say for Him to take this life and turn it around? All I ever wanted was to live a life of purity for God, His will and to have a family, husband and kids to care for. So, why does it seem God just sits back and watches? What would He have against me? Nothing. I know this in my heart.

I do have two great friend here for me, but they have their own hard times and own lives to live. I don’t want to ask them to baby-sit me or see that I am doing okay everyday. I am just grateful that they are there and call me their friend.

I think my mom is hurting too. She doesn’t say so. She doesn’t say anything. If talk to her she usually leaves the room, starts talking on the phone or changes the subject to the wallpaper she has been considering for the kitchen. It is so painful to feel I have no parent to turn to in all of this and even more painful when you feel you are being avoided, but I think she is as unsure what to do as I am. I can’t imagine what I would say to my own daughter if she were in my place. I believe I would do different then my own parents by far, but my parents are not me and I am not them. I keep seeing my mom’s face that day she was watching me try on wedding dresses. I had never seen her more happy and proud or more fulfilled as a mother. I wish I had never let that moment get stolen from her.

I haven’t been sleeping well at all. When I do sleep I am plagued by the most unwanted dreams.

Wind Waker awaits!!!!

This is very cool. One of those things you dream of but never really think would happen. Yet it happened.

In this case I mean “dreamed” literally. One night I had a dream about my birthday that would be coming up in a few days. I remember we had a small party and cake. Very nice little birthday celebration, only no one gave any presents. I was a little hurt but then I told myself, “Hey, it isn’t about presents. Be touched that everyone is showing their appreciation for you.” So I let it go. Shortly after that by brother Ben comes to me hand hands me Zelda: Wind Waker. Puzzled I said, “It is a nice gift, a wonderful gift, but I don’t have a gamecube.” Ben just shrugged his shoulders and said that he knows I might someday so he figured it was a good gift to get in advance. If you haven’t already guessed, shortly after I was given a gamecube by my parents.

Now that was the dream. The reality wasn’t much different. We had a small dinner and we all enjoyed ourselves, but no presents. A couple days later I had Cherie over, just hanging out and Ben walks into my room and hands me, you guessed it, Zelda: Wind Waker. I looked at is funny, said, “What is this?” and then looked at Ben funny. I told him it is nice but in case he forgot we don’t have a gamecube at this time. He mumbled something and left the room. I was left standing there, scratching my head, while wondering what to do with a game that has no system.

A few minutes later Ben came in and handed me a small black object. Once again I asked him what it was and he said, “It is a memory card for when you play Zelda.” I was really lost now and a little embarrassed that Cherie is seeing me get all this stuff for a system I don’t even have. But, sure enough, Ben comes over to me shortly after and hands me a box. Finally, I had all I needed to once again play Zelda. . . only I really want Zelda: Ocarina of Time too. . . How ungrateful of me. I will get it someday soon. Until then, Wind Waker awaits!!!!

Shining all the brighter

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Turned 25 today. I am not real sure how I feel about that. It isn’t bad by any means to turn 25. I am still quite young, but I had so much more that I wanted to accomplish before now. Where did the time go?

I keep having this feeling like I should ask some of those around me who are older and wiser about there experiences in life. How did they feel when they were in my time of life? Did they ever share the same fears and doubts that I do? Will it all really work out for good in the end?

I think I will do that. I have a feeling that I am not alone in my fears. I think even those who seem so cool and so confident aren’t always as much as they wish us to believe they are. I know and believe there is an assurance and a confidence we find in God (something I have yet to master). However, there are those who have no relationship with God at all who always seem so sure, but I doubt it is true.

I am really starting to think that many of us feel the same things and even deal with very similar things inside each of us each day. I guess most of the difference is really in how we deal or react to these thing rather then our worlds really being so vastly different from one another.

I think over and over that no one knows how I feel or what I am going through, but maybe more of you do then I can realize.

I do think I will get through this. So many have gone before me and gotten through the same and much worse and have lived to see much brighter days and beauty I have yet to know.

With God, I will get through and see what else He has in store for me in this life.

I will get through.

The light shining all the brighter.

In dreams, it feels even farther away

I am feeling a lot better about some of the decisions I was having to make. I am so thankful that Sara allows me to talk things through with her and be honest about how I feel, any reservations of concerns I have. If only all friendships could be more like that.

I still don’t know for sure what I will be doing and what I won’t, but I do think I will be making a little money now. It would be an answer to prayer if I could get some small jobs here and there. Jobs I actually have some skill and interest in. Then I can help pay my parents back. I felt so forced to get ready for the wedding I though was going to happen. I still had a doubt here and there, but I would tell myself I need to grow, I need to finally get out and move on. Now we are paying for it not only emotionally but also in cash.

I had so many people on every side telling me I have to get ready. I only wish I would have listened to my heart. There are still people all around telling me what I need to do and what I should have done, but I don’t always listen so quickly now. I guess that is a blessing in the end. Grown wiser, but there is still a dress I need to pay off.



I feel sad. I checked my email a little while ago. A girl I used to know had a baby boy. I remember she would always talk about one day being married and having children. I was dreaming the same dream right along with her. Only she is living it and I am still just dreaming. My heart is breaking. She is about 5 years younger then I am and she already has a wonderful Christian husband and beautiful new baby boy. God, what did I do so wrong? Why do you have me go through all of this pain?

For years now it has been hard for me to be around weddings and babies and anything that reminds me of them. Now it is even harder then it ever was before. In my dreams it feels even farther away. I hate being here and I have been here for what seems like a lifetime.

God, don’t let this be all my life ever is.

Don’t let all the dreams die away.

Help me.

I believe that you are out there
One less call to answer,

feeling full of despair,

don't think I can get through it,

just one last prayer.



And it's a leap of faith,

when you believe there's someone out there,

it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,

and when I call out to you,

will you be right there,

right there.



Searching for the answer,

nobody seems to care,

Oh how I wish that you were here,

beside me,

to wipe away my tears.



And it's a leap of faith,

when you believe there's someone out there,

it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,

and when I call out to you,

will you be right there,

right there.



Waiting for the answer,

remembering times we would share,

somehow I feel you here beside me,

even though your not there.



And it's a leap of faith,

when you believe there's someone out there,

it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,

and when I call out to you,

will you be right there-



Right there---

And I'll be waiting by the window for your smile to come through,

and I'll be waiting in the darkness when I call out to you,

and I'll remember when you told me,

I could trust in you-



And it's a leap of faith,

when you believe there's someone out there,

it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,

and when I call out to you,

will you be right there-

It's a leap of faith,

and I believe that you are out there,

it's a leap of faith and I believe you truly care,

and when I call out to you,

I know you'll be right there,

right there,

and it's a leap of faith.

 

So many things to think about. Sara has placed a rather large decision in my lap because of a rather big situation that happened in hers. One night while we were out walking she started telling me about her husband needing to go out of town for his work. At the time it was going to be a two month deal. I imagine two months feels like an eternity in a situation like that. She knows all about my current situation, no life, so she ended up asking me if I could spend more time with her during the two months so that it would be a little easier on her. I didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t. I even believe in many ways it would be fun and a blessing to both of us.

I went home feeling really good about the whole possibility. The only thing that bothered me was she asked if I would be willing to stay in her guest room. More of a temporary move in type thing. I have just started to get back to having a somewhat stable life again after everything with Frank. I don’t really care to find myself in the same type of situation. I know she works all day and I would be stuck at her house with nothing to do except maybe housework. No thanks.

The next night we went out walking again and I told her I would love to be there for her while he is away only I want to stay home while she is at work. Then she informs me that there is much more to her situation then just wanting someone around. She is wanting to remodel, at least paint and rip up the carpet, in her living room. She figured I could work on that during the day while she is at work. I know I am far too nice a person and have way too much heart for others otherwise I would have just backed out right there. I just left a relationship where I gave, gave, gave and worked, worked, worked and for nothing at all in return. It broke my heart so much and still hurts me to think about it. I don’t think I can ever take something like that again and definitely not now. But I didn’t say that.

Another wonderful thing Frank has taught me. If I ever try to look over how much wisdom there is in a situation especially checking out God’s will, he would always accuse me of being afraid to move. Pushing and pushing until I feel that I must do the job to please everyone, to prove that I do care, that I can do it. I still believe Frank means well but if it wasn’t for God saving me he would have destroyed me completely.

So here I am, Faced with a change and a choice to make. I see how it is but rather then tell Sara any concerns the Franks voice in my head starts pushing me to do it. I just told myself to push my needs and feeling aside and so the job that needs done. Pushing away the pain.

Sara informed me of many more things that same night. Things that complicate it so much more. Making it hard to even know how to respond or if it would even be possible for me to do at all.

Rather then being gone for two months he will be gone for the whole winter.

Sara needs a nursery put together and finished because they are wanting to adopt very soon.

There is a chance that the baby will come while Adam is gone and she would like me to be the nanny.

The baby very well could be an HIV baby or a crack baby and they may be able to adopt more than one.



Could I really do all of this? Should I? As far as I know I would be getting zero income from any and all work I do for her, but is it really right to say no because of no pay? Especially when I have nothing going on in my life at this time to keep me from having the time to help her?

Mom and Cherie say no. Mom thinks that even if I go into helping her with the decision to do only a little here and there that it may turn out to be a runaway train and not easy to get back off once it gets started.

I feel like I have been on this runaway for about seven months already. I really want off.

I told Sara Wednesday night after church all of my concerns, or at least the ones I was having at that time. Thankfully Sara is a wonderful friend with a loving and understanding heart. As far as I can see she understood where I was coming from and did not want to push me into anything. I only hope she will still be as understanding if it turns out that I can’t be there for her as much as she would like.



I feel so bad inside tonight because Frank’s voice and pushing haunts me. I hate that I still feel that I must perform to be excepted and to be worthy. I am so afraid that if I do not do absolutely everything I can possibly do for Sara, giving 180% and without failure of any kind that Frank will hear about it and decided that he was right about me. That he would believe I am a failure. Worse yet, that he would believe a life dependent on God only leads to failure and becoming absolutely no one at all. I lived in this sort of fear and endlessly trying to please him for the last seven months. It was so destructive and painful and I am still trying to learn to the truth again. Wash away all that he filled me head with. But the hardest thing about it all was realizing that no matter what I did he was never satisfied. Nothing was ever good enough. I could never even get a compliment out of him. Just more words about how much harder I need to push, how much more I need to get done.

Sara would never come close to being like Frank was to me. That is not the issue. My real concern is am I doing it because I should, because it is God’s will? Or would I be once again trying to prove to him something that he will never be big enough to see.

I still care about Frank with all of my heart. My heart aches for him and his kids each day, but I thank God every moment I can that He heard my cries for help and saved me. I think God that He kept me from destroying this life he has blessed me with. Now I pray that God will heal what is left of the pain and renew my mind, but also save Frank and his kids from himself.

God, he needs you so much. Help him to really find you.

 

Life has been such a roller coaster ride this week and I don’t think it is going to let up any time soon. I really can’t say how much of it is good or bad yet. Not because there is an reason to conceal but simply because I will not know until I am deeper in it. That is a little scary. Knowing there are things coming up in life and you have no idea if you should be excited and joyful or if it will be another hard time. I am wanting to just choose to be joyful whatever may come and I know that with God I have the ability, but after all that has happened it seems it is not as easy. But God will get me through this too.

I ended up doing a very stupid thing this week. Sara has been telling me that I should be very careful about keeping contact with Frank (the guy who was so regrettably a part of my life this summer). She has been concerned about his negative effect on me and taking me so much for granted. When we were together I never knew how to deal with this. In fact he would lead me to believe I was the one in the wrong. I spent a whole summer trying so hard to grow, learn, become a better person and even working hard to do all and anything I could for him and his kids, become the perfect women. All for a man who never did a thing in return and expected far more than I even gave him.

I realize I should have left, I should have had more sense then that. I wish I could explain why I stayed, why I put up with so much just to have my heart broken and dreams fade, but I don’t think you could ever really understand. Sometimes I still don’t.

Even though there was no reason for me to do a thing more for him, I wanted more then anything to stick by him and remain his friend even now. As a Christian he has so much more to learn and so much more God is wanting to do in his life. I felt I had spent for too many hours in prayer over him to give up on him now.

Last night I decided to give him a call and see how things are going. My heart wishes I never had because that call hurt so much, but wisdom and experience tells me that I am blessed to finally see who he really and what he does to me is even if it hurts.

I believe God finally opened my eyes to see what is really going on and where life might lead me if I stick too close to Frank. There still is and may always be a part of me that wants to be there for him and wants to see him become all God has planned for him to be. But I need to live my life and my life is God’s. I hope and pray that one day Frank will understand what I was trying to say, that one day he will finally be free.



Frank, I am sorry that I had to walk away, but I must leave you in God’s hands. Please let Him.