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// So Many Dreams // Ľ Ľ Ľ Looking into the Future (Past Blogs)

Friday, December 9, 2005

Do you ever do something for someone purposely trying to be nice and thoughtful only to have it all backfire?
That happened to me today.
Honestly, I am feeling a little irritated. This is how it went. . .
I have been reading a lot in the bible about doing things for others. Purposely showing kindness, caring and love. I also read that we should not favor some over others. Like preferring the rich over the poor for instance.
After reading that I remembered a Sunday recently when my brother, Daniel, came to church with me. I was so concerned about him being around me. The whole ďHeís not with me!Ē thing. That is bad enough, but shortly after we arrived he came up to where I was sitting and asked about where he should sit. I knew he was wanting me to ask him to sit by me, but I didnít want him to.
You can think I am mean and a snob if you wish but, truth is, you donít know me or him so it is impossible for you to understand why I would feel so against it, but at the time I did.
He came again last Sunday. I felt that the right thing to do was invite him to sit next to me, but for some reason I didnít. I felt really bad about that. Later, when I read in my bible about not favoring some over others, I remembered how I had ignored him when I should have shown love. It was just how the people in the scripture had acted towards the poor.
I decided that if I want to show Godís love to strangers, then I should start by showing love to my own brother.
I havenít been doing HUGE things, but bits here and there when they present themselves. I gave him cookies a couple times. Made him some lunch. Talk to him more. Anything I can do to show more acceptance and understanding.
So, what happened today?
He is leaving on a trip for a week. He had asked me and my brother Ben to not rent any movies while he was gone. The natural reaction by most people would be, ďExcuse me?Ē, ďWho made you boss?Ē, or ďI didnít tell you to go on a trip and miss the movies we are seeing this week?Ē. This was actually how my brother Nathan thought I should take the situation, but I saw an opportunity to put aside my feeling and do something nice for someone else. I do not have to see them this week and if I wait we can all watch them together. I talked it over with Ben and he agreed to wait, so all was coming together nicely. . .at the time anyway.
Yesterday afternoon, I took a 30 minute nap. When I woke up Ben showed me he had rented Polar Express and War of the Worlds while I was asleep. He had forgotten about our deal. Great. I felt bad for Daniel. So, I brainstormed and decided that honestly was the best and only route to go.
I went to Daniel and told him the deal and apologized but asked if he could make enough time before he leaves to watch them with us. He didnít seem upset and just said he didnít know but he would try. Sigh of relief.
That night we watched Polar Express without a hitch.
Today, we had hitches.
At noon I started asking Daniel and Ben when they would be available to watch them. Neither one seemed very hurried to get to it and acted confident that they had all day. Okay then. At around 2:00 Ben comes to me and asks when we are seeing it. So, I gather everyone up at try to get the movie going. Forty minutes in mom comes and says Daniel needs to go to Wal-mart. I was thinking at that moment that we need to just keep watching, but this little voice inside said ďStop the movie until he gets backĒ. So we stopped it. It is only going to be a 15 minute run anyway, right? Two hours or so later I was calling him to see if we should continue without him. I get assured that they will be back home real quick. Another half-hour or so later they finally come home.
Ben had to leave at 6:30 and never got to see how it ends. Daniel was getting ready to leave during the movie and several times had to get up for moments at a time. Even I missed parts because of the commotion and having to watch dinner I was cooking on the stove.
I was aggravated because if I had not been trying to be so thoughtful and nice I would have told him, ďsorry, maybe next timeĒ and Ben and I would have watched the rest this afternoon and avoided making Ben late, interrupting dinner and irritating me. Ten on top of it all, Daniel didnít get to watch it well enough to understand what was happening in the movie and he ended up running late as well.
I am going to have to find a better balance of being nice vs. what is best. *sigh*, it was an awful mess. I feel better now though. Thanks for letting me vent.

Karen @ 7:08 PM[Past] [Space]


Tuesday, December 6, 2005

Godís Word is life changing. But only if we choose to let it change us.
I knew this Sunday I was going downhill. Somewhere I let panic and fear sneak in.
I know I need God. I know He is my only hope, but sometimes we need to be reminded how to live like we know. How to put that faith into action.

What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see.    Hebrews 11:1

Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.    Hebrews 10:23

Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.    Hebrews 10:35-36

It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt . . . Moses kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the One who is invisible.    Hebrews 10:27

By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God's command. . .
It was by faith that Abel brought a more acceptable offering to God than Cain did. . .
It was by faith that Enoch was taken up to heaven without dying. . .
It was by faith that Noah built an ark to save his family from the flood. . .
It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him. . .
It was by faith that Sarah together with Abraham was able to have a child. . .
It was by faith that Isaac. . .
It was by faith that Jacob. . .
It was by faith that Joseph. . .
It was by faith. . .
It was by faith. . .
It was by faith. . .
    Hebrews 11

So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs.    Hebrews 12:12

Read Hebrews.
If you do not have a Bible you can read online here .

All verses I placed here are in New Living Translation (NLT)

Karen @ 11:15 AM[Past] [Space]


Sunday, December 4, 2005

I wish with everything in me that I could tell you all is well here, all my dreams have come true and life is greater then I ever imagined it could be. I wish with everything in me and all I am that I could.
I pray that it is true and that one day I will.
As for right now, I am not holding together very well. I am not entirely sure why, except things have been so hard.
I havenít been able to tell anyone anything about me or what is happening in my life. I had two wonderful friends, gifts from God to my life, but they donít seem available anymore. As for everyone else, they were never here in the first place. I am not saying that they wouldnít help or be some support. They just have no idea what goes on with me. I think many wonder but never ask. I, for a short time after splitting up with Frank, told people what had happened and sought an ear and help from any kind soul that offered themselves. I quickly learned there can be more harm in it then help. Everyone wants to help and are sweet and kind, but they have no way of seeing just how deep a situation I am in. They are so sorry for me and help me out at first. When it is not fixed in a day or two they start backing off or turn harsh toward me.
I thought it better that I keep this as much between God and me as possible. I donít wish to be a burden and I donít expect people to be able to understand. I donít think there is much that many of them can really do for me anyway.
I know I am suffering from very deep depression as well as times of extreme guilt and unforgiveness. I have been fighting it the only way I know how. Endless prayer, reading my Bible and holding on to every bit of hope and faith I have left.
It is hardest to feel like everyone wants to help you, but also feeling like they canít. I think at times that I should get a councilor or at least prayer, but who can I trust? Who could I tell who would not cause more harm then help? I donít need someone to point the finger at me. I donít need to feel more shame or failure. I need a way out.

Frank and his new woman are still going to church regularly. I donít know if he is doing well or how he is. I donít know if he would even want me to talk to him or if he would rather I keep away. I am glad he is coming and being a part of everyone again and feel accepted by them. I just wish it was not ripping me to shreds inside. I didnít know why it hurt so much. I figured it was because he had someone and I sit there all alone. But today I realized that it is far more complex then that.
What do you do? When your life was already beyond what you knew how to handle or mend.. then something far more painful then you ever knew before that time comes on top of all this mess.
Before I can ever begin to move on I must heal, but in order to heal I feel I need to move on.
This is why I pray. I pray endlessly. God is the only hope for each one of us. Not one is without need of Him. I donít know what He has in store. I am praying that He will help me every moment of everyday to know what it is I should do and to be sure I do it. I donít trust in myself. I donít trust in anyone else. I need God.
I donít know how or how long it will take, but He will get me through this.

Karen @ 10:40 PM[Past] [Space]


Monday, November 21, 2005

Ok, I checked out further information on going back to school. The classes are by ICC (Ilionois Central College) They started the free classes in August and they continue through to December. I am hoping and believing they will start them up again the same time next year. If so I have almost a full year to study and learn all I can before I take my placement test.
I saw that they have online prep-classes and online tutoring as well, but one of the requirements for using them is to place at least 9th grade level math. I havenít taken any placement tests yet and have no idea where my math is. One of the down sides to home-schooling is you never really know what grade or place are, so who knows where I left off. My only concern is that they may not be able to help me if I am too far back in any given subject. In that case I would need to work myself up to a higher level in that area.
When I was in home-school I finished all my classes in Science, Social Studies. I donít think that would count here so I would have to take the classes yet again. This is a hard pill to swallow, but if it must be done then I will do it.
The classes and testing will cover:
Constitution Test
Language Arts Ė Reading
Language Arts Ė Writing
Social Studies

Here I goÖ.

Karen @ 5:05 PM[Past] [Space]


Sunday, November 20, 2005

I had decided to take a couple weeks off from working on my site to work on my life. I knew I wanted to do something but didnít know what direction I wanted to go. I am eager and proud to say that I am going back to school.
Many had been encouraging me to just get a job. I saw no real future in that. True, I would be making some cash, but I would not necessarily be taking steps toward a better future. I always thought I would have to wait to go to school after I was married, either before kids or take classes while my own kids are in school. Why wait? That would be much more difficult and the beauty of my life at this point is I have the time and financial support to be a full time student. I will finish sooner and then be open to a whole new set of options.
I had struggled this past week with these ideas simply because I donít know what will be on the other side of my finishing school. I have never wanted to be a career woman. My dream is to be a housewife with kids and care for my family. Cooking, cleaning and caring, these are the things I dream of. In todayís world this is growing harder and harder for people to do. I realize this. I have always said I want to care for my family and be the best I can be for my husband and kids. I know that I will be much better for all of us if I have a good, solid education and even the ability to provide some extra money if needed.
I have always thought I would make sacrifices and work hard for the good of my family but I had not thought as much about what I could be doing in my life right now for them. Right now I want to finish school. After that who knows, but I see nothing but hope and a bright future ahead.
All the thanks be to God for being my continuous help, love and guide through every moment of my life. I am nothing without Him. I have all I need and more with Him. Thank you God, I knew you would get me through and will continue to all the rest of my days. I look forward to living my life for You!

Karen @ 9:16 PM[Past] [Space]


Monday, November 7, 2005

Sorry that my last blog stop sort of abruptly. My mom wanted the computer rather quickly so I just sent the post as is, unfinished and all.
Cherie talked to me for a while last night and even came to visit me for a while today. I am so grateful for her. She has been such encouragement to me and even healing to my soul in many ways. I am so blessed and greatful to have a friend like her. I never would have imagined I would have someone care for me so much though all of this. I am blessed.
My mom informed me last night that Frank was at church on Sunday morning. I had been so concerned about his not being there anymore and prayed over him many times, yet somehow it shook me up to think about him being back. Actually, it scared me. That is why I called Cherie last night. After finally getting some dreamless sleep this afternoon I feel much better about it. I am glad he is still keeping with God. I do wish him the best just as much as I did before. I just fear at times what might happen to me in all of this. . . .
But, mom assures me that she doesnít believe he wishes me any harm and I have no reason to fear. I think she is right. I do wish I had the right man here with me now, to not have to go through any of this, to not have to walk into church alone again. . . . but that day is coming, I know it is. I will be alright.

Karen @ 11:41 PM[Past] [Space]


Sunday, November 6, 2005

Sorry for being away for a while. Still learning and growing after all that I have been through. I have had some good days but there is still much to get through.
I am considering going back to school. A friend of mine suggested it to me a few weeks back. At that time I thought, ďno way! I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning or convince myself to shower and eat. How will I ever be disciplined enough to study and learn?Ē I still wonder how best I will do it but I also want to give it a good shot. I donít know it is it the right move or the direction I will end up going, but I have nothing to loose in trying.
My big problem has been sever depression and will to die. I know I canít die ( or at least it is not likely to happen), so I want to work at getting past this depression, find a reason to live, a reason to go on. I only wish I wasnít so alone in all of this.
I know God is there, but I feel so unsure how to talk to Him. What do I need to say for Him to take this life and turn it around? All I ever wanted was to live a life of purity for God, His will and to have a family, husband and kids to care for. So, why does it seem God just sits back and watches? What would He have against me? Nothing. I know this in my heart.
I do have two great friend here for me, but they have their own hard times and own lives to live. I donít want to ask them to baby-sit me or see that I am doing okay everyday. I am just grateful that they are there and call me their friend.
I think my mom is hurting too. She doesnít say so. She doesnít say anything. If talk to her she usually leaves the room, starts talking on the phone or changes the subject to the wallpaper she has been considering for the kitchen. It is so painful to feel I have no parent to turn to in all of this and even more painful when you feel you are being avoided, but I think she is as unsure what to do as I am. I canít imagine what I would say to my own daughter if she were in my place. I believe I would do different then my own parents by far, but my parents are not me and I am not them. I keep seeing my momís face that day she was watching me try on wedding dresses. I had never seen her more happy and proud or more fulfilled as a mother. I wish I had never let that moment get stolen from her.
I havenít been sleeping well at all. When I do sleep I am plagued by the most unwanted dreams.

Karen @ 9:24 PM[Past] [Space]


Saturday, October 15, 2005

This is very cool. One of those things you dream of but never really think would happen. Yet it happened.
In this case I mean ďdreamedĒ literally. One night I had a dream about my birthday that would be coming up in a few days. I remember we had a small party and cake. Very nice little birthday celebration, only no one gave any presents. I was a little hurt but then I told myself, ďHey, it isnít about presents. Be touched that everyone is showing their appreciation for you.Ē So I let it go. Shortly after that by brother Ben comes to me hand hands me Zelda: Wind Waker. Puzzled I said, ďIt is a nice gift, a wonderful gift, but I donít have a gamecube.Ē Ben just shrugged his shoulders and said that he knows I might someday so he figured it was a good gift to get in advance. If you havenít already guessed, shortly after I was given a gamecube by my parents.
Now that was the dream. The reality wasnít much different. We had a small dinner and we all enjoyed ourselves, but no presents. A couple days later I had Cherie over, just hanging out and Ben walks into my room and hands me, you guessed it, Zelda: Wind Waker. I looked at is funny, said, ďWhat is this?Ē and then looked at Ben funny. I told him it is nice but in case he forgot we donít have a gamecube at this time. He mumbled something and left the room. I was left standing there, scratching my head, while wondering what to do with a game that has no system.
A few minutes later Ben came in and handed me a small black object. Once again I asked him what it was and he said, ďIt is a memory card for when you play Zelda.Ē I was really lost now and a little embarrassed that Cherie is seeing me get all this stuff for a system I donít even have. But, sure enough, Ben comes over to me shortly after and hands me a box. Finally, I had all I needed to once again play Zelda. . . only I really want Zelda: Ocarina of Time too. . . How ungrateful of me. I will get it someday soon. Until then, Wind Waker awaits!!!!

Karen @ 10:37 AM[Past] [Space]


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Happy Birthday to Me!!!
Turned 25 today. I am not real sure how I feel about that. It isnít bad by any means to turn 25. I am still quite young, but I had so much more that I wanted to accomplish before now. Where did the time go?
I keep having this feeling like I should ask some of those around me who are older and wiser about there experiences in life. How did they feel when they were in my time of life? Did they ever share the same fears and doubts that I do? Will it all really work out for good in the end?
I think I will do that. I have a feeling that I am not alone in my fears. I think even those who seem so cool and so confident arenít always as much as they wish us to believe they are. I know and believe there is an assurance and a confidence we find in God (something I have yet to master). However, there are those who have no relationship with God at all who always seem so sure, but I doubt it is true.
I am really starting to think that many of us feel the same things and even deal with very similar things inside each of us each day. I guess most of the difference is really in how we deal or react to these thing rather then our worlds really being so vastly different from one another.
I think over and over that no one knows how I feel or what I am going through, but maybe more of you do then I can realize.
I do think I will get through this. So many have gone before me and gotten through the same and much worse and have lived to see much brighter days and beauty I have yet to know.
With God, I will get through and see what else He has in store for me in this life.
I will get through.
The light shining all the brighter.

Karen @ 10:10 PM[Past] [Space]

Monday, October 10, 2005

I am feeling a lot better about some of the decisions I was having to make. I am so thankful that Sara allows me to talk things through with her and be honest about how I feel, any reservations of concerns I have. If only all friendships could be more like that.
I still donít know for sure what I will be doing and what I wonít, but I do think I will be making a little money now. It would be an answer to prayer if I could get some small jobs here and there. Jobs I actually have some skill and interest in. Then I can help pay my parents back. I felt so forced to get ready for the wedding I though was going to happen. I still had a doubt here and there, but I would tell myself I need to grow, I need to finally get out and move on. Now we are paying for it not only emotionally but also in cash.
I had so many people on every side telling me I have to get ready. I only wish I would have listened to my heart. There are still people all around telling me what I need to do and what I should have done, but I donít always listen so quickly now. I guess that is a blessing in the end. Grown wiser, but there is still a dress I need to pay off.

I feel sad. I checked my email a little while ago. A girl I used to know had a baby boy. I remember she would always talk about one day being married and having children. I was dreaming the same dream right along with her. Only she is living it and I am still just dreaming. My heart is breaking. She is about 5 years younger then I am and she already has a wonderful Christian husband and beautiful new baby boy. God, what did I do so wrong? Why do you have me go through all of this pain?
For years now it has been hard for me to be around weddings and babies and anything that reminds me of them. Now it is even harder then it ever was before. In my dreams it feels even farther away. I hate being here and I have been here for what seems like a lifetime.
God, donít let this be all my life ever is.
Donít let all the dreams die away.
Help me.

One less call to answer,
feeling full of despair,
don't think I can get through it,
just one last prayer.

*And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,
and when I call out to you,
will you be right there,
right there.

Searching for the answer,
nobody seems to care,
Oh how I wish that you were here,
beside me,
to wipe away my tears.

And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,
and when I call out to you,
will you be right there,
right there.

Waiting for the answer,
remembering times we would share,
somehow I feel you here beside me,
even though your not there.

And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,
and when I call out to you,
will you be right there-

Right there---
And I'll be waiting by the window for your smile to come through,
and I'll be waiting in the darkness when I call out to you,
and I'll remember when you told me,
I could trust in you-

And it's a leap of faith,
when you believe there's someone out there,
it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,
and when I call out to you,
will you be right there-
It's a leap of faith,
and I believe that you are out there,
it's a leap of faith and I believe you truly care,
and when I call out to you,
I know you'll be right there,
right there,
and it's a leap of faith.

Karen @ 7:46 PM[Past] [Space]


Thursday, October 6, 2005

So many things to think about. Sara has placed a rather large decision in my lap because of a rather big situation that happened in hers. One night while we were out walking she started telling me about her husband needing to go out of town for his work. At the time it was going to be a two month deal. I imagine two months feels like an eternity in a situation like that. She knows all about my current situation, no life, so she ended up asking me if I could spend more time with her during the two months so that it would be a little easier on her. I didnít see any reason why I couldnít. I even believe in many ways it would be fun and a blessing to both of us.
I went home feeling really good about the whole possibility. The only thing that bothered me was she asked if I would be willing to stay in her guest room. More of a temporary move in type thing. I have just started to get back to having a somewhat stable life again after everything with Frank. I donít really care to find myself in the same type of situation. I know she works all day and I would be stuck at her house with nothing to do except maybe housework. No thanks.
The next night we went out walking again and I told her I would love to be there for her while he is away only I want to stay home while she is at work. Then she informs me that there is much more to her situation then just wanting someone around. She is wanting to remodel, at least paint and rip up the carpet, in her living room. She figured I could work on that during the day while she is at work. I know I am far too nice a person and have way too much heart for others otherwise I would have just backed out right there. I just left a relationship where I gave, gave, gave and worked, worked, worked and for nothing at all in return. It broke my heart so much and still hurts me to think about it. I donít think I can ever take something like that again and definitely not now. But I didnít say that.
Another wonderful thing Frank has taught me. If I ever try to look over how much wisdom there is in a situation especially checking out Godís will, he would always accuse me of being afraid to move. Pushing and pushing until I feel that I must do the job to please everyone, to prove that I do care, that I can do it. I still believe Frank means well but if it wasnít for God saving me he would have destroyed me completely.
So here I am, Faced with a change and a choice to make. I see how it is but rather then tell Sara any concerns the Franks voice in my head starts pushing me to do it. I just told myself to push my needs and feeling aside and so the job that needs done. Pushing away the pain.
Sara informed me of many more things that same night. Things that complicate it so much more. Making it hard to even know how to respond or if it would even be possible for me to do at all.
Rather then being gone for two months he will be gone for the whole winter.
Sara needs a nursery put together and finished because they are wanting to adopt very soon.
There is a chance that the baby will come while Adam is gone and she would like me to be the nanny.
The baby very well could be an HIV baby or a crack baby and they may be able to adopt more than one.

Could I really do all of this? Should I? As far as I know I would be getting zero income from any and all work I do for her, but is it really right to say no because of no pay? Especially when I have nothing going on in my life at this time to keep me from having the time to help her?
Mom and Cherie say no. Mom thinks that even if I go into helping her with the decision to do only a little here and there that it may turn out to be a runaway train and not easy to get back off once it gets started.
I feel like I have been on this runaway for about seven months already. I really want off.
I told Sara Wednesday night after church all of my concerns, or at least the ones I was having at that time. Thankfully Sara is a wonderful friend with a loving and understanding heart. As far as I can see she understood where I was coming from and did not want to push me into anything. I only hope she will still be as understanding if it turns out that I canít be there for her as much as she would like.

I feel so bad inside tonight because Frankís voice and pushing haunts me. I hate that I still feel that I must perform to be excepted and to be worthy. I am so afraid that if I do not do absolutely everything I can possibly do for Sara, giving 180% and without failure of any kind that Frank will hear about it and decided that he was right about me. That he would believe I am a failure. Worse yet, that he would believe a life dependent on God only leads to failure and becoming absolutely no one at all. I lived in this sort of fear and endlessly trying to please him for the last seven months. It was so destructive and painful and I am still trying to learn to the truth again. Wash away all that he filled me head with. But the hardest thing about it all was realizing that no matter what I did he was never satisfied. Nothing was ever good enough. I could never even get a compliment out of him. Just more words about how much harder I need to push, how much more I need to get done.
Sara would never come close to being like Frank was to me. That is not the issue. My real concern is am I doing it because I should, because it is Godís will? Or would I be once again trying to prove to him something that he will never be big enough to see.
I still care about Frank with all of my heart. My heart aches for him and his kids each day, but I thank God every moment I can that He heard my cries for help and saved me. I think God that He kept me from destroying this life he has blessed me with. Now I pray that God will heal what is left of the pain and renew my mind, but also save Frank and his kids from himself.
God, he needs you so much. Help him to really find you.

Karen @ 11:30 PM[Past] [Space]


Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Life has been such a roller coaster ride this week and I donít think it is going to let up any time soon. I really canít say how much of it is good or bad yet. Not because there is an reason to conceal but simply because I will not know until I am deeper in it. That is a little scary. Knowing there are things coming up in life and you have no idea if you should be excited and joyful or if it will be another hard time. I am wanting to just choose to be joyful whatever may come and I know that with God I have the ability, but after all that has happened it seems it is not as easy. But God will get me through this too.
I ended up doing a very stupid thing this week. Sara has been telling me that I should be very careful about keeping contact with Frank (the guy who was so regrettably a part of my life this summer). She has been concerned about his negative effect on me and taking me so much for granted. When we were together I never knew how to deal with this. In fact he would lead me to believe I was the one in the wrong. I spent a whole summer trying so hard to grow, learn, become a better person and even working hard to do all and anything I could for him and his kids, become the perfect women. All for a man who never did a thing in return and expected far more than I even gave him.
I realize I should have left, I should have had more sense then that. I wish I could explain why I stayed, why I put up with so much just to have my heart broken and dreams fade, but I donít think you could ever really understand. Sometimes I still donít.
Even though there was no reason for me to do a thing more for him, I wanted more then anything to stick by him and remain his friend even now. As a Christian he has so much more to learn and so much more God is wanting to do in his life. I felt I had spent for too many hours in prayer over him to give up on him now.
Last night I decided to give him a call and see how things are going. My heart wishes I never had because that call hurt so much, but wisdom and experience tells me that I am blessed to finally see who he really and what he does to me is even if it hurts.
I believe God finally opened my eyes to see what is really going on and where life might lead me if I stick too close to Frank. There still is and may always be a part of me that wants to be there for him and wants to see him become all God has planned for him to be. But I need to live my life and my life is Godís. I hope and pray that one day Frank will understand what I was trying to say, that one day he will finally be free.

Frank, I am sorry that I had to walk away, but I must leave you in Godís hands. Please let Him.

Karen @ 11:30 PM[Past] [Space]


Tuesday, October 4, 2005

It is still fresh and hurting. I don't feel much like writing about it, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to cry over him any more. He doesn't deserve my tears. He doesn't deserve any of what I have worked so hard to give him, then for him to toss it all aside as if it were nothing at all.
I can't keep letting you do this to me. I can't be here for you anymore. I have to let you go for good this time.
I have prayed for you just to hear you mock my faith. I have cried from the pain you create, forgiving you again each time, just to have you tell me how I let you down. I have worked harder for you than anyone or anything ever before in my life to receive nothing in return.
How can you still speak to me this way?
How can you still see me as lacking so much?
How can you still be missing all of the love I have poured out on you?
How can you still think it is me?
How can you hurt me this much and never feel a thing?
Don't you ever see a thing?
Has it all been in vain?

What will you do when you finally realize what it is you so willingly let go?
Because I won't be here anymore.

I think you know what I'm getting at
i find it so upsetting that
The memories that you select
You keep the bad but the good ones you forget

And even though I'm angry I can still say I know my heart will break the day When you peel out and drive away I can't believe this happend
And all this time I never thought That all we had would be all for not
No, I don't hate you Don't want to fight you Know I'll always love you But right now I just don't like you Know I don't hate you Don't want to fight you Know I'll always love you But right now I just dont like you Cause you took this to far
Make your decision and don't you dare think twice Go with your instincts along with some bad advice This didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all You blame me but some of this is still your fault
I tried to move you, but you wouldn't budge I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge I think you know what I'm getting at You said good-bye and I just don't want you regretting that
And wisdom always chooses These black eyes and these bruises Over the heartache that they say Never completly goes away (I just can't believe this happend And one day we'll see this come around)
What happend to us I heard that it's me we should blame What happend to us Why didn't you stop me from turning out this way And know that I don't hate you And know that I don't want to fight you And know that I'll always love you But right now I just dont...

Karen @ 9:55 PM[Past] [Space]

Saturday, October 1, 2005

Today was fun.
Some of the teachers at church have been getting the kids involved in raising money for those in need. Last Saturday they raised I believe it was $48 for the hurricane victims. Today we raised money for a boyís shelter in Jamaica through our Jamaica missions team. I donít know how much money we raised today, but we decided to meet together next Saturday and see if we can sell some more.
It has been such a blessing to be out again, getting involved. I havenít been doing a whole lot. I wouldnít call it a big impact, but it has still been so healing to me and I pray that it has been helpful and ministering to others as well.
Thank you God, You are so faithful and lovely to me.

Karen @ 7:18 PM[Past] [Space]


Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I got out of the house last night and spent some time with some friends. I need to be doing that more often, especially now, but somehow it has just been easier to hide away. I spent a long time talking to my friend Sara. Sara and her husband are the ones who introduced me to the guy who recently left my life. They say they ďbrought us togetherĒ, but in reality, we all go to the same small little church and I was bound to meet him sooner or later. They just made it happen a lot faster and easier (for his part anyway).
I love Sara and Adam so much and I am continually thankful to God for bringing them into my life. They both know that it has been a very hard time. They have been so supportive. It is so wonderful to know there are people there when I need someone to turn to or just a place to get away to for a little while.
So, last night I was feeling the need to get out and get away from my little world for a while. I called Sara and she invited me right over. We talked for quite a while about what is going on with me now and my not being sure of what to do, or even what is really going on. Sara is just as lost and unsure about what has happened as everyone else, but it was nice to talk about it to someone who was there. Most people saw everything going on from the outside, but Sara was right there for a lot of it.
The only thing I didnít expect and had not crossed my mind, is how Sara and Adam would feel personally about what happened. It was hard for me to hear that they had been hurt also. It is bad enough for me to suffer through this, but never would I have wanted any other to travel this road with me.
I know Sara and Adam will heal and forgive. They are both strong Christians who dearly love the Lord. My concern is how is he taking it? Does he feel that everyone is against him now? Does he think I am against him? Is he just as confused towards God and where He was all this time?
I would just call and ask him these things. Maybe he would tell me how he feels inside. But I am not sure he would wish to open up. He never opened up too easily when we were at our closest so there is little reason for him to feel like it now.
I am sending up prayers for him and all others concerned.
It will be alright. I know that now.
It still hurts at times, some times more then others, but I have grown enough to know that it is not too late.

Karen @ 7:30 PM[Past] [Space]


Monday, September 26, 2005

Things are doing much better. Nothing has changed in the physical, tangible sense to make things better. Everyday fife is the same. I guess you would say my outlook had changed. Or you might just say I regained some lost hope. But it was by no means anything I did for myself. I am quite unsure how to figure out life on my own. But the really great, wonderful, amazing thing is, I donít have to do it on my own. It is not even my job. I forgot this somewhere along the road. I never think I have forgotten it, but then God will open my eyes, I take a good look at myself and I see once again I have tried to take over Godís place. Crazy thing about it is how often I neglect to do the very thing that is my job. Those things God does ask of me. Instead I am off trying to do things I have no ability to do. I think all of us have found ourselves there. More then once or twice Iím sure.
I started feeling a lot better about things when I was reading my devotionals by Joyce Meyer. I have just a handful of them to the left of the screen. They are so uplifting and each has a scripture. It amazed and me how off course my thinking had gotten. It also trilled me how quickly and beautifully God can restore those broken places in us.
So, although things here are just the same and I am just as clueless about my future, God has given me a new hope and reminded me of the promises He has given to me. His promises never fade, tarnish or die.
Godís promises are Forever.
Hold on to them.

Karen @ 11:34 PM[Past] [Space]


Friday, September 23, 2005

Today has been hard to get through. I donít have anything to. Nothing to get me through the day. That is hard enough to deal with on itís own, no one wants to be lost, lonely and useless, but it is just that much worse when every single person you know has far too much to do.
I never want to be that busy. It keeps you so rushed that life just passes you by as you ďbusy awayĒ. I, however, am trying my hardest to find something in this life to live for, to get me through each day. It is like everyone is speeding all around me, and I am standing still.
I dealt with this before, in years past, from being sick off and on all my life. It was hard then, especially since it was the growing-up years, going to school, making friends, having fun. I missed all of that. I have missed out on a lot of life. But being here, trapped at 25, is so much worse.
Being well and able and yet trapped. Watching days pass that I can never get back. Every day the deep pain getting harder to bear. Asking God every hour to let me live. Let me have the life you intended, God! Please donít let another day go to waste!
I have tried talking to those around me. I have been blessed with wonderful, God loving friends and a loving Faith filled mother. But I donít think they know what to say or do any more then I do. It feels so impossible to explain to them, to put into words what I am going through. I try so hard to tell them so they can be understanding, but I donít know if they can ever really know. I feel what I feel because of who I am, because of what I have personally gone through. It is unique. No one else can ever really know. I accept this and it helps me to forgive those who donít understand, also to realize I will not always understand others. I am thankful for that. But, at the same time, it makes me feel more trapped, more humiliated, more desperate to fix whatever has gone wrong.

I leave it in Godís hands. Only He can truly heal and know the right way.

I think, no, I know the thing that concerns me the most is the lack of will to live. No, I have a will to live. Probably much stronger then many who have full lives because I have always been searching and fighting so hard to live. It is more like, I just donít want to live a life without purpose, without hope and life.
It is so hard to fight the longing to just give up. Just stop trying. Fearing a life spent fighting for a dream that never came true.
This is why it is hard now.
I fully trusted and believed God was guiding me this summer. I prayed over everything so many times and even after I took action I would continue to pray. I went the direction I did all for Him. Then I find myself here.
It is much like when the Israelites where led out of Egypt.
They were slaves to Pharaoh. Living harsh slave lives. God promised them new life in a new land, the Promised Land. He had Moses lead those people out from the slavery right into the wilderness of the desert.
The Promise was still theirs. The Land to come. Yet when faced with traveling through the wilderness they cried out, ďI would rather go back to being a slave in Egypt!Ē
Because of this they wondered the desert for 40 years and never saw the Land they were meant to call home.
This is what I must not do. I need to shed that same spirit the Israelites had.
Even in this barren wasteland, I must continue to rejoice!
The promises given by God in the beginning are still Godís promises to me here in the barren wasteland.
I will see Home.
I will one day truly live.

Karen @ 11:09 PM[Past] [Space]


Thursday, September 22, 2005

There is no words I know to express how I feel. No words could convey to you what goes through my mind. I am not sure there is any way I could ever let you know of the battles in my heart every moment of every day.
I do feel alone, but I know I am not.
I donít know why God let this happen. Why in the thousands of times I prayed for Him to guide me this year, to show me His will, He didnít show me any of this.
People tell me God doesnít let these things happen, we do them ourselves. I would usually jump right in and agree, but this time, it isnít so easy. This isnít something I wanted or a direction I chose. I only went this way because I believed in every part of me that this was what God wanted.
Those of you who would say that God doesnít let these things happen, you donít see the hundreds of times this year alone that I got on my knees and asked Godís direction in this situation. I have been praying over this for nearly all the years of my life. I prayed so intensely right before I met this man and even more after.
So why?
This is my battle now. How do I pray, when it is prayer that brought me here? How do I keep the faith, when it was my faith that led me to this place? How do I stand on what I believe, when I am not even sure what to believe?
So my prayer is for God to show me.
Make me to understand.
Help me to believe again
Renew my faith
Heal these wounds
Keep me standing while I wait on you
Let your power and Glory be known in this life you have given to me Let it be known that all is not lost

Karen @ 10:00 AM[Past] [Space]


Thursday, September 22, 2005

(continued Ėday 3)
About mid July, I started having to admit to myself that things are definitely not right. I was always praying, endlessly, yet I felt myself drifting farther from God each day. Life was pretty hectic. I was never home anymore. I had dedicated my life to (what I thought was) my husband-to-be and is kids.
But what about God?
I had gotten into all of this mess for God, only now I felt I was loosing Him. The only thing in life worth living for was being slowly pushed out.
One day, while I was doing some cleaning at my fiancťís house, I felt such a mourning in my spirit for those days I once had alone with God. I started this year so deeply dedicated to Him. Here I was folding laundry in a place that still felt so strange to me. Longing for things to be so different. Every moment of every day praying that God has His way, ďshow me where to go and what to do, Lord!Ē. But if everything is as it should be, if this is Godís perfect will and plan, why does it seem I am drifting further from Him? Why is it I am so sad and heartbroken? Why is it the guy who is supposed to love and treasure me, seem to feel anything but?
I wanted out. I wanted away just long enough to find God again, Truly find Him, and rediscover what it is He is wanting of me and my life.
That day I made a choice. Probably the hardest one I have had to make so far in my life. I came to God and shared with Him every thought, every feeling. I knew that things were not right in my relationship with my fiancť or in my relationship with God and I wasnít going to let it continue down that same path. I think I knew even then that it was going to be over between me and my fiancť, but I wasnít wanting to face that heartache yet. I wanted to give my heart back to God no matter what it took.
I spent several days in prayer. I needed God to show me what the right direction would be from here and what to say to my fiancť. The day came when I felt I should tell him what had been on my heart and all I had been talking to God about. I donít really know how all of it affected him. I donít think it was news, he felt it all too. I think neither one of us wanted it to be true or wanted to hear it said out loud. It is funny how we tell ourselves that if we donít face it, if we donít give it a name, that maybe it will just go away.
Recently, we decided to call it all off. We had originally just put all wedding plans and our relationship on hold, but I think this is easier on us both.

Karen @ 6:00 AM[Past] [Space]


Wednesday, September 21, 2005

(continued from yesterdayís blog)

The next Sunday, I went to church as usual. Mom and I sat together in a row by ourselves. During the sermon, there was a small girl playing in the row in front of us. I was a little concerned that mom would be bothered by the distractions, but almost as soon as the thought entered my mind mom leaned over and told me how much she was enjoying this little girl. She said she wished she could just take her home. This sounded weird coming from my mom.
As soon as service was over my mom popped right up and started talking to the man that was with this little girl. I was more then shocked. My mom just doesnít do that. By nature my mom is quiet and doesnít just start talking to any guy that happens to be sitting in front of her at church.
I just stood back and watched for a moment. I had been feeling for so long now that someone would be coming into my life. I had no proof. It is just what I felt. Then I start getting the hinting that I am going to need to accept a father and his children. In my life the only people I ever meet are in my church and it is a very small church with many of the same people every week. For me to meet anyone is an event, but to meet a father who I would have anything to do with and would want anything to do with me, that is just crazy.
I did wonder that morning what all of this was about. Everything I had been feeling and then here is my mom talking to this man. I never did say much to him, just said hi when mom introduced me and otherwise stayed pretty quite. I figured it was all a crazy coincidence. Something my mind just put together. Nothing real at all.
I put that guy and his little girl out of my mind pretty quickly after that day. I wasnít about to get weird because of a few feeling and words in my head. I didnít know for sure what Godís will is or if any of this was Him at all. The next Friday night, I was beside myself. I felt so sure I am supposed to meet someone, be involved with something, but no idea who or what. I would pray and pray but felt no closer to any answer, just had to wait out each day to see what God will choose.
I was in my room praying when the phone rang. The moment I heard it ring I knew it was for me, it is the answer. I never get phone calls. Never. So the chances of it being for me is slim enough, but when I answered the phone it turned out to be a girl I had not talked to in months. She told me that her and her husband are going out to dinner that night and wanted to invite me along. I knew I needed to say yes. I actually laughed at myself for a moment because I had thought that guy from Sunday would have something to do with it and here it was just my friend and her husband. Then she told me that the man I met on Sunday was going to be coming to and asked if that was ok. I almost died. It is just too weird. God, what does that mean? What on earth are you doing?
Long story shortÖ.well shorter, I went out that night with all of them, then was invited to go out again the next day after church. That Sunday afternoon, all I could do was look at this guy and his little girl and wonder what was going on. No one had told me if he was interested in me, or why I was suddenly being invited to hang out with all of them. I was so lost and, honestly, scared. This was not at all what I had pictured was coming. I didnít even know what to think or how to feel. I prayed endlessly. Morning till night and many times through the night as well. I was so desperate for Godís will, for nothing to happen that was not written in His plan. Also, that I would not miss what God wanted because of my own will and wants.
I will say right now, this guy was not and is still not what I wanted or ever would have chosen. Even as I was getting to know him it seems there was always something new about him that would break my heart. I cried so many times wishing for the man that I had always thought would come, yet thinking that this guy may be that man. He may finally be here with me and yet all I can seem to do is cry.
I know you are wondering why I would stay with him if I was so sad and disappointed. All I can say is, I wanted Godís will above all else. I could go deep into all of the ways God spoke to me and the signs showing all of us that this new man in Karenís life is the right one, but I wonít. Not only would it take a very long time, but I canít say now what it all means.
In time I did learn to deeply care for this man and his two kids. I opened my heart up to them and fully chose to except them as my family. I guess you could say we were engaged. He never formally asked me and I never saw a ring, but I started planning our wedding and everyone was giving the congratulations. It was like I was dreaming all the time. I would remember when I was five, laying on the couch in our living room dreaming of what it would be like to be married. I vividly remember staring at the ceiling and thinking, Ďwould someone really marry me?í. Hear I was 24 and someone wanted to marry me. For the first time in my life I truly believed that life is worth it. All the pain. All the struggles. All the hard work. All of it is worth it for these priceless times, priceless feelings.
If only it could have lasted.

Karen @ 10:15 PM[Past] [Space]


Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I have gone over this, time and time again, in my mind, but I still donít know how to write it all out. How do you write about what you donít even know yourself? How do you write about what you canít see?
I guess I will start off by telling you the subject of what I am speaking about. If you have ever read My Story, on my Wait page, you can have an idea of how long I have been waiting to find the right guy. It has been the strongest dream of my heart since that time when I was 5.
I know there are an endless array of people out there with the same hope and dream, but one difference between me and many of them is I decided, way back when I was 5, that only God would choose the man for me. Only He could really know what man is right and if I would be right for him. I chose to not date or play around. Dedicated to one that I had yet to know. More then willing to save it all for him and him alone. All of the years of my life I have prayed over this man. I have written him letters, poems and in journals dedicated to him. It has not been easy, but not because I want to be with others, only because my heart breaks to not know the one I pray so much for.
This is where we come to present day.
When this year began, I didnít have anything going on in my life. Nothing taking up too much time. God really pushed me to give that time to Him. I felt it so strong, it just hit me one night that I really need to spend this year with Him. For a few months that is all I did. Hours each day in my bible and in prayer, listening to teaching, watching TBN. I know, you may be thinking ďFanaticĒ and I probably would too, but it was so right. It is something I never would have done on my own, or even had the patience and grace to do, but God wanted it so it happened.
With a year starting this way, especially after the struggles of last year, I was happier then I had ever been in my life. Things had never seemed more bright and full of hope.
Around late February, I think it was, I started sensing God wanted me to move on. I fought it at first because I couldnít imagine why God would want me to cut back on learning and bible reading. That just couldnít be God, right? He ended up giving me a pretty firm push letting me know it was Him. He had wanted me to dedicate myself to those things for a time, but there has to be a time when I move on, when He takes me on to new things. Of course, I still read my bible and listen to teaching and all of that, but we always need to be moving on, growing and living.
At this same time, I was praying for my Ďhusband to beí, as I always have, but something was different. I started feeling like he was near. Sounds crazy. I thought it is just my longing to move on and to have what I dream. I started praying God would help me to wait, not grow impatient, but almost a month went by and the feeling had only grown stronger.
I talked to my mom and my friend Aaron about this. I was just so lost and afraid I would start to believe the one for me is coming, only to be let down in the end. My mom would always listen and encourage me to pray and just trust in God to do what is right. I think Aaron thought I was nuts. He told me once that it sounds like I am focusing more on this guy then on God. I felt so bad. Here I had started the year so dedicated to God and now I am focusing on a guy I have never even met and have no idea where he even is. I started just giving all of my time to God. Forcing myself to think on Him and pushing this Ďman to beí out of my head. This is when God gave me the firm push.
I was so confused. What did God want me to do? Here I am tormented all day with this feeling that someone is going to come into my life, sensations driving me mad, yet there wasnít anything I could doÖÖ.nothing but pray. I didnít know what was going on, but I just started praying endlessly for whatever God wants to come, to be. In my heart I wanted so much for it to be true, for there ot be the one I have waited for my whole life on the other side of this. All I could to was pray and wait.
One week, I will always remember, I was almost ill because the feeling was so heavy on me. I went out to walk, my favorite time to pray. As I was walking and praying, I saw a dad moving his kids little tricycle back into the garage. At that moment I heard in my head, ďbe accepting of the dad and his childrenĒ. I was a little shocked, but then I started to argue, ďbut God, that guy is married. What on earth are you talking about?Ē. Just shook it off and kept walking. Walking through the park and again I hear something inside to except this man as being a father. I told God what I thought, ďGod I did not wait for 20 some years to be with a man who went and had kids with another women. Did you forget who I am? That is not what I wanted.Ē.
I sounded mad and forceful, but in truth, I was scared. It isnít what I wanted. Why would God do that to me? Why would I wait all this time so faithfully, so lonely, for someone who was with someone else while I was waiting for Him? It hurts even know to think about it. I decided to go home. I had enough prayer time for now and didnít want to hear anymore.
I was nearing my house and saw this very sweet, small boy out on his driveway. He caught my attention because he was just standing there giving me the biggest smile. As I passed he said hi, so I stopped a moment and said hi to him. He dad had been raising the garage door and came over to get his son. Both said by to me and I started walking on. Right then, I had such a feeling that I would be meeting some father and his kids. I hated the thought. It broke my heart, but if it is Godís will then it is the way I want to go.
(continue tomorrow)

Karen @ 8:32 PM[Past] [Space]

Monday, September 19, 2005

I am moving through the crowd
Trying to find myself
Feel like a guitar that's never played
Will someone strum away?

And I ask myself Who do I wanna be? Do I wanna throw away the key? and invent a whole new me and I tell myself No One, No One Don't wanna be No One But me..
My life plays out on the shadows of the wall I turn the light on to erase it all I wonder what it's like to not feel worthless So I'll open all the blinds and turn those curtains No One, No One Don't wanna be No One But me..
When I'm moving through the crowd...

Taken from: Aly & Aj - No One

Karen @ 4:49 PM[Past] [Space]

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you ever get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream 
When you can't fall asleep?

I've been wondering what you're thinking And if you like my dress tonight? Would you still say you love me Under this ordinary moonlight? I'm so afraid of what you'll say.

I'd like to know if you'd be open To starting over from scratch I'd like to know if you'd be open To giving me a second chance

I used to think I was special And only I have proved me wrong I thought I could change The world with a song But I have ended up in India With no lamp to guide me home. The strangest place I think I have ever been And all this time I thought that we were friends My stubborn will is learning to bend.

I'd like to know if you'd be open To starting over from scratch I'd like to know if you'd be open To giving me a second chance

It's a big girl world now Full of big girl things

Kendall Payne- Scratch

Karen @ 11:10 AM[Past] [Space]


Sunday, April 10, 2005

Not much has been going on here. I did end up catching the flu from either my mom or my friend Cherie. Either way, I am not grateful for receiving it. I did manage to keep myself going for about a week. I didnít even tell anyone I was feeling sick. I usually would not do that, but my mom ended up getting pretty bad. I have been scared for her a couple times. I just felt like I had to keep going for her. Unfortunately, it caught up with me. Sadly, there was left a full of grown men with no capable woman on board.
If you had come up to me, before I had gotten sick, and asked how my Dad and three brothers would get along without us, I would have said, ďThey will do great! It will be fineĒ. But it took only one day of them trying to care for everything themselves to make me realize how much they really need us. I am not saying this as some kind of insult towards men. Not at all.
I just wonder how many woman have a clue just how important our jobs as women really are. Men should not have to do what women were designed to do. It is wonderful if they can, especially in case we get sick or have to go away for a time, but we have a role to play as women to care for our families and our men. I feel such an honor living in this house with these 4 guys. They are blessings to me and I do want to learn how to do my part as a woman and carry that with me when I go start a family of my own.

Karen @ 6:00 AM[Past] [Space]


Thursday, April 7, 2005

Life has some crazy twists. One week it seems like everything is just as it should be, finally things are going my way, then something so unexpected can creep in and shake everything up. It can appear to knock everything off course. Yes, I do mean appear. It seems like everything it so crazy, but God never looses control.
He never looses His cool.
When you find that you have fallen, fearing all is lost, look around you and you will see that He has had you in his arms all along.
Let me explain a little of what I am talking about.
February 9th around 11:00pm, I was strongly feeling led to fill my life with teaching, Biblical teaching. I had never done anything like that before, in fact, I grew up around some Christians who warned against reading books or listening to sermons, Christian television and the like. Unfortunately, over the years I had learned to have an attitude about such things, without even realizing it. Well, on that night, it hit me so strong that without even taking time to think through and deeply consider, I just turned on my tv to TBN and started watching.
I can not tell you now what it was they were teaching that night. I honestly donít remember. What I do remember is how I felt inside. I just felt right. Like when you know you are just where you are supposed to be.
After the program was over, I read some Word and went to bed feeling more at peace then I think I have ever felt before in my life. I knew the next morning I would be taking in more teaching. I knew that there are so many things I need to learn and understand. Thank You, God for raising up these vessels for Your words to flow through. It has totally changed my whole life.
I started getting up at 5:00am, taking time to pray and spend time with God, then, rather then saying ďamenĒ and forgetting all about Him, I took God with me all through my day. I brought Him in all I did. I figured out creative ways to listen to sermons and teaching while doing my daily tasks and discovered just how much better my time was spent listing to Godís Word rather then watching the latest designs on Trading Spaces or listing to my favorite album.
I kept this routine up for 2 solid months and had every intention of making it my life from that day forward, but this is where an unexpected twist comes in. You see God will always keep us moving on. Always growing, always learning, always changing. I wanted nothing more then to just stay right where I was, filling my mind with all there is to know of God and His ways, but God has much, MUCH bigger plans for this life He has given to me.
I remember one day feeling that it was time for me to pull away a little. I knew I was starting to neglect my family and duties, things people were depending on me to do. I kept telling myself, ďThat is so not right! I am doing this for God.Ē. I kept fighting off the feeling of needing to get back into life, convincing myself that somehow I had gotten to ďholyĒ to do those meaningless tasks.
It is funny to think back on it now because I know how it felt to be at that place. I felt like I was invincible. Like I had arrived. Ha haa ha! I canít imagine how my ďholinessĒ must have looked to God. I am sure I donít want to know. I do know, when I look back on it, I was becoming full of pride and self-confidence. At the one time in my life when I thought I was leaning on God the most, I was completely missing Him. DON'T GO YET! I'm not done.
See, what I was doing was not wrong at all, in fact I am still quite sure that God was leading me to learn, just as I had said. The thing that went wrong was me. I became so proud of all I was learning, and saw so much power in knowing so much, that I forgot the very heart of it. I was no longer even applying some of the very things I was learning.
::::: My real point in telling all of this - Although I could not see that I had strayed, God could see it all, every move, every motive. I would have led myself to complete destruction, even with something so seemingly good. BUT, God would not let that happen. He saw exactly where I was headed and set me back on track.
I still love listening to teaching and filling myself with Godís wisdom and knowledge. I recommend spending more time filling yourselves with God rather then tv, movies, or whatever you personally fill your hours with. But, rather then neglecting all else, learn to bring God everywhere you go. Say short prayers all through the day. Talk with friends and family about what you have been reading in the Word. Take time to pray with others and for others.
Pray for God to show ways to bring Him more and more into your life and into the lives of those you are spending your days with.
He will be faithful in answering your prayer.

Karen @ 10:00 PM[Past] [Space]


Saturday, March 26, 2005

Godís answer to me was to chase after Him more. Making Him my whole world, my everything. Seeking Him as I would a new love.
   I had a word spoken over me once many years ago. The woman told me that God desires for me to love and romance Him as I would a beau. Someone I truly love and seek to know more and be with more. All of these years later I am just now choosing to seek Him and love Him as He had desired even way back then.
   It is taking some time and learning, but never in my life has everything been so clear, so full of meaning and purpose. I am overwhelmed with a sense of purpose, safety, and love. Is this what God has always intended? Could it be that so many are aimlessly wandering through life never knowing what it is to be truly free, truly alive?
   But the life I feel right now had one side effect I didnít expect. I now see such sorrow and loneliness in everyone around me. I want so much to tell them, ďIt doesnít have to be this way!Ē, but somehow I just canít find the words. How do you explain what can only be experienced?
My heart has been breaking over the love and devotion of our Lord Jesus. I had spent my life as a Christian knowing Jesus had died for me. But I never really knew. I never had never before totally grasped what it was He did for us by dieing on that cross. I want to share it. I want to give everyone a chance to know just how much Jesus did that day. I want everyone to know just how free He made us in Him. This is my wish.
   I will shout it from the rooftops what it is He has done!

Karen @ 6:00am[Past] [Space]


Thursday, January 6, 2005

I have been a Christian girl all my life. There have been varying degrees of devotion to my Precious Savior and Father through the years, but no matter where I have been in this life, He has always been a part of who I am. But what would happen if He was more then ďjust a partĒ of me? How would my life, and the lives of those around me, change if I really let go of my life and let God have His way?
   Last night, I heard that voice in my heart. The voice we so often choose to ignore and is so easily drowned out by everyday events. But last night, I stopped just long enough to hear it.
   I was sitting on the edge of my bed praying. I was feeling such a need for direction, for some kind of answer. A prayer I have prayed so many times before. Praying with such earnest but beginning to feel desperation set in. Fear growing inside that, maybe, once again I would pray just to have life continue on just as it had been before. As I continued on in prayer, in my heart was questioning why God never answers. I know He is there. I know He is listening. He even gives His word that He hears us when we call and He will answer us. So, why do I still have no answer?
   Right then I heard it, deep inside, so soft and quite. It was as if someone was whispering inside of me. But yet I heard is so loud and clear. It said, ďI already told you what to do. You know what to do. You just decided that it was not the answer you wanted.Ē
   I sat there for who knows how long, just staring off at nothing at all, one thing going around in my head. I had known all along. I did know the answer, but I had chosen to overlook it, pretend it was never there, fighting for God to direct how I would prefer rather then the way He had instructed.
   How often do we do that in life? How many of us are going around the same track over and over again just hoping it will lead someplace new this time around? It scares me to think about how long I have been circling this same track, but it scares me much more to think where I will end up if I never go a new way, Godís way.
   1 Kings 19:11-12
11"Go out and stand before me on the mountain," the LORD told him. And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper.

Karen @ 10:00 PM[Past] [Space]


Wednesday, January 5, 2005

In past blog entries I have shared the events of my life in addition to whatever would be weighting heavy on my thoughts or just lightly floating around mind. This is a new year, new events, new thoughts, new dreams as well as new weights. But I have been thinkingÖ..
   At 24, I am just getting old enough to see something of this life I have been living, this road I have traveled. It has gotten me thinking, deeply pondering. Is this all there is? Is this really all God had in mind? If so, why do I feel like I am missing something, really missing something? Maybe I am finally beginning to understand what so many have been trying to explain to me all these years. Maybe I am discovering what everyone else already knows. Or maybe, just like me, they have been going through life in that mist, that sort of cloud, always lost, wandering and wondering what all this is about.
   I want to find out what this life God has given me is really about. What all of this is really about.
I know God is the only one who can tell me what I am here for, what His purpose is for my life. So it is God I will seek.
   John 6:27
...Spend your energy seeking the eternal life that I, the Son of Man, can give you.
   Hebrews 11:6
...he rewards those who sincerely seek him.
   Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Karen @ noon[Past] [Space]