I just now sat down to type out my blog for today and my nose started bleeding. Weird. Also a bit of a nuisance when trying to type. Maybe just the cold weather.
Already the 19th of December. I always thought that being busy made the year go by so fast, but it seems the days flow so much faster now that I donít have anything happening in life. I would give so much to have something happening.
I have been visiting others blogs. I love to read what other bloggers are writing about. I try to take the time to look at everything on everyoneís site, especially any graphic work they have done. I admire the talent and diversity of everyoneís tastes and abilities. I am thankful to others being willing to show their talents. I have learned so much by watching how they set up their sites and their graphic work. I only hope I can inspire a few with some of my ideas and creations.
I wish I could be content with being myself. I have noticed that I think far lower of myself then anyone else. It has kept me from trying so many things, from becoming anything. Even as I look at others site work and ideas I get a feeling of despair. Feeling that I will never be quite good enough or up to par. I only wish I could learn to like myself more. Even if I never become anything great in anyone elseís eyes I want to be happy and pleased knowing I did my best. I want to know who I am and be glad to be me.
Most of all, I want to know who I am.
I feel so empty. Like a blank canvas or lump of clay desiring to be made into something beautiful. Seems when I try to make something of it I smudge the canvas or ruin the clay, having to start all over again. I want to be beautiful. The lasting, eternal beauty, not buried inside hidden, but out being a blessing, being used.
How do I get there from here?
How do I get anywhere from here?
I had some really deep things I wanted to say. . . but now I am tired and canít remember what any of it was, lol. No biggie
However, today is my youngest brother Nathanís birthday. He is turning 19. We are going to have food (his choice of course) and maybe watch a movie. I can already smell the food in the air. I am getting hungry.
He got a video game on the Gamecube as a birthday gift so he has been playing that quite a bit today.
Anyway, I am feeling tired and hungry and there is a birthday to celebrate.
I was told once that I will see life as beautiful again. Just keep holding on. Believe.
I have been holding on and believing for so long now.
I never minded before. I always knew my day would come. Waiting patiently.
A few months back, someone I really loved and cared about told me I am wasting my time.
What I had never struggled with before has now become my struggle.
If I canít believe in what I have always believed was true, what is there to believe in?
God has always been my one trust, comfort and answer. I would never believe more in someone else or even myself then I believe in God. How could any answer or way of life be better than His?
Only there was something to what my friend had said.
He looked at my life, my past, and saw so little. So little joy, experience and so little life. I have spent so many years looking to God for the answer, for the way out of all this mess.
Where has He been all this time?
How did I ever get to this place if He has always been here helping me?
I donít have the answer to this.
This is my struggle.
So. . . God, where are you?
I need you so desperately.
Father, hear my prayer.
Do you ever do something for someone purposely trying to be nice and thoughtful only to have it all backfire?
That happened to me today.
Honestly, I am feeling a little irritated. This is how it went. . .
I have been reading a lot in the bible about doing things for others. Purposely showing kindness, caring and love. I also read that we should not favor some over others. Like preferring the rich over the poor for instance.
After reading that I remembered a Sunday recently when my brother, Daniel, came to church with me. I was so concerned about him being around me. The whole ďHeís not with me!Ē thing. That is bad enough, but shortly after we arrived he came up to where I was sitting and asked about where he should sit. I knew he was wanting me to ask him to sit by me, but I didnít want him to.
You can think I am mean and a snob if you wish but, truth is, you donít know me or him so it is impossible for you to understand why I would feel so against it, but at the time I did.
He came again last Sunday. I felt that the right thing to do was invite him to sit next to me, but for some reason I didnít. I felt really bad about that. Later, when I read in my bible about not favoring some over others, I remembered how I had ignored him when I should have shown love. It was just how the people in the scripture had acted towards the poor.
I decided that if I want to show Godís love to strangers, then I should start by showing love to my own brother.
I havenít been doing HUGE things, but bits here and there when they present themselves. I gave him cookies a couple times. Made him some lunch. Talk to him more. Anything I can do to show more acceptance and understanding.
So, what happened today?
He is leaving on a trip for a week. He had asked me and my brother Ben to not rent any movies while he was gone. The natural reaction by most people would be, ďExcuse me?Ē, ďWho made you boss?Ē, or ďI didnít tell you to go on a trip and miss the movies we are seeing this week?Ē. This was actually how my brother Nathan thought I should take the situation, but I saw an opportunity to put aside my feeling and do something nice for someone else. I do not have to see them this week and if I wait we can all watch them together. I talked it over with Ben and he agreed to wait, so all was coming together nicely. . .at the time anyway.
Yesterday afternoon, I took a 30 minute nap. When I woke up Ben showed me he had rented Polar Express and War of the Worlds while I was asleep. He had forgotten about our deal. Great. I felt bad for Daniel. So, I brainstormed and decided that honestly was the best and only route to go.
I went to Daniel and told him the deal and apologized but asked if he could make enough time before he leaves to watch them with us. He didnít seem upset and just said he didnít know but he would try. Sigh of relief.
That night we watched Polar Express without a hitch.
Today, we had hitches.
At noon I started asking Daniel and Ben when they would be available to watch them. Neither one seemed very hurried to get to it and acted confident that they had all day. Okay then. At around 2:00 Ben comes to me and asks when we are seeing it. So, I gather everyone up at try to get the movie going. Forty minutes in mom comes and says Daniel needs to go to Wal-mart. I was thinking at that moment that we need to just keep watching, but this little voice inside said ďStop the movie until he gets backĒ. So we stopped it. It is only going to be a 15 minute run anyway, right? Two hours or so later I was calling him to see if we should continue without him. I get assured that they will be back home real quick. Another half-hour or so later they finally come home.
Ben had to leave at 6:30 and never got to see how it ends. Daniel was getting ready to leave during the movie and several times had to get up for moments at a time. Even I missed parts because of the commotion and having to watch dinner I was cooking on the stove.
I was aggravated because if I had not been trying to be so thoughtful and nice I would have told him, ďsorry, maybe next timeĒ and Ben and I would have watched the rest this afternoon and avoided making Ben late, interrupting dinner and irritating me. Ten on top of it all, Daniel didnít get to watch it well enough to understand what was happening in the movie and he ended up running late as well.
I am going to have to find a better balance of being nice vs. what is best. *sigh*, it was an awful mess. I feel better now though. Thanks for letting me vent.