Thank you God for these new days

I’ve got news. I have been wanting and waiting to make this announcement for 4 years now. Okay, that isn’t incredibly long, but at times it has felt like it. The news, I am finally getting my own domain. I can hardly believe it! I have been here at Tripod since I first started working on websites. I have had to battle every problem one encounters with a free domain especially pop-ups, yuck! Now I will have the real thing. I am so excited. This is a great and blessed way for me to start this new year.

I have been feeling so much better emotionally; strong. I haven’t felt strength in these bones for so long. It is like spring in my soul after the longest of winters. I want to treasure each new day even in any new troubles or pain that may come. God got me through the worst before, He will always do it again. He Never Fails! He is my EVERYTHING.

Sweet Success

This site is finally up in it’s entirety. Now I will have more time to actually blog. Unfortunately, there is still so much work yet to be done at my graphic site. It is a mess there right now. Most of the links link to nowhere. I hear people don’t really care for that sort of web design. At the least I should get some “under construction” pages up until I have the content ready. It is turning out to be a lot of hard work changing this site around and making a whole new one, but I am so glad I am doing it. It is already a thousand times better then I ever had before. Once I am entirely done it should be a million.

UPDATE

Alright, I know. The whole site is an update, but I wanted to point out my addition of an rss link. To be honest, I know very little about what rss is, but from what I have heard I am glad to now be one of the rss crowd.

Good to feel the warmth of the sun again

I have been working endlessly studying html, layout design, tables and such for the past month.
It hasn?t all been easy, but I have learned more about everything html in that month then I had learned in all the years combined.


I started doing this out of a need to work out emotions through a creative task or talent. Desperate to work out the pain and loss of this past year. I found the idea after hearing our pastor talk about his daughter dealing with emotions and depression by working in their garden. I had already tried a so many things only to find myself deeper in depression and despair. Yet when I heard him speak of his daughter it reminded me of myself.


I used to do many constructive things before I met Frank, but when I saw the task of new wife and instant mother before me, I put aside everything that I used to do and used to mean so much to me. I was sure that those things didn?t mean anything to life. Besides, I was getting a new life, right? I lost my identity when I made that decision. I don?t think Frank would have stood for me wanting to keep any of those creative vents in my life even if I had chose to keep them. Truth is, I didn?t realize just how important all of it is for me.


When I was just a little girl, getting ready to ender kindergarten, my mom saw even then my love for arts and creative tasks. I didn?t want to do anything else. Once I entered kindergarten, she truly feared I would be held back because I desired so much to work in the crafts and arts. In fact, I excelled at them. You could give me a project far beyond my age ability and I would do better than those the task intended. It was something imbedded into who I am.


As I got older my desire only increased, but the demands of school and all that society sees as important continually hindered my progress. I was not blessed with parents or teachers that cared for my creative talents or identified the need in me. I however felt it. I have always craved to have my hand at work in something. Anyone in my family will tell you I can never leave any surface untouched. My greatest happiness often comes at the ability to customize something to whatever my heart desires.


I never learned to value any of it as a real talent or ability. It was always just something I do for myself in the privacy of my home. I never tell people any of the arts I train myself in or projects I am currently doing. I never even mention my websites. I learned early on that it was not something people valued or even cared about. I honestly thought it meant nothing to anyone but me.


I saw all of this that day, when Pastor Jim spoke of his daughter. I had pushed aside all that makes up me and the very talents God had placed in me. I knew I need to do something. Anything.


I was still trying to decide what I should do when Cherie visited me for Christmas. I never talk to people about my graphic design and, honestly, I don?t think I am all that good at it. But somehow that day, the conversation drifted to that very subject.


I told her how much I love and crave to design. She knew how much I used to work at interior design, but she didn?t seem to remember my ever mentioning my graphic design work. I told her how my life had always been filled with art projects of every kind and although I find graphic design to be the trickiest and sometimes most frustrating it was also the one thing I could not bare to part with when I was with Frank. I was actually afraid to stop working in graphics and web design. She pointed out to me how important these talents really are. That I shouldn?t look at them as nothing because it is not a collage degree or doctor career. It is obviously something God placed in my from the start and He does not do these things by accident.


That conversation lit a new flame in me. Small, but the first hint of life and hope I had felt for what seemed an eternity. I told her my dream of starting a free graphic site and entering some online competitions. She encouraged me to go for it and chase the dream and work on my talent. I started to back out and say that I know so little, am so far behind and have never gone to school for any kind of art or site training. She encouraged me to learn and grow in it and not be afraid to step out.


I stepped out.


The very next day I looked over this site and realized my need to increase my knowledge. I had always relied on copying everyone else?s html and changing it to fit my needs. I wanted to learn to write it all out for myself and better ways to design layouts. I saw the need and worked to fill it.


All of this started in December of 2005. I have more than tripled all I knew before and continue to learn more each day. At times all of it overwhelms me. I even wonder if I should bother, if I could ever put any of it to use I the future. I know there is always the chance, that I will drop all of this one day to raise a family or even find that I don?t have as much talent for graphic and design as I would need. But it has helped me to grow out of where I was and put the broken dreams of last year to rest. I think my favorite part about it has been realizing I do have a talent. I am something more than just the quite, friendless, lost girl so many think they know. I am more then I ever let myself think before.


I look forward to discovering that more each day and in many other areas of life.


It is good to feel the warmth of the sun once again.

Just in case someone actually visits before I finish up

Here it is! My new blog. I am so excited!!!

I have had the site down for a while, little under a month, to redo everything. I also took some much needed time studying all there is to know about website design, graphics, tables, etc. I loved every moment of it. This is definitely my thing. I may not be the best at it, but it is my passion and I am getting better all the time.

Oh, how I missed my blog!

Anyway, my purpose for writing is to explain and point out that this blog is not up in it’s entirety yet. Although it is very close. I don’t have any of the links up for the other pages and the current is not updated….so..there isn’t much to do here except read the past blogs I have managed to get posted so far. That is all for now.

Be sure to visit my new graphics site simply-endless. It is really not finished yet, but there are a couple of working pages. I will get it all done in time.

How do I get anywhere from here?

I just now sat down to type out my blog for today and my nose started bleeding. Weird. Also a bit of a nuisance when trying to type. Maybe just the cold weather.

Already the 19th of December. I always thought that being busy made the year go by so fast, but it seems the days flow so much faster now that I don’t have anything happening in life. I would give so much to have something happening.

I have been visiting others blogs. I love to read what other bloggers are writing about. I try to take the time to look at everything on everyone’s site, especially any graphic work they have done. I admire the talent and diversity of everyone’s tastes and abilities. I am thankful to others being willing to show their talents. I have learned so much by watching how they set up their sites and their graphic work. I only hope I can inspire a few with some of my ideas and creations.

I wish I could be content with being myself. I have noticed that I think far lower of myself then anyone else. It has kept me from trying so many things, from becoming anything. Even as I look at others site work and ideas I get a feeling of despair. Feeling that I will never be quite good enough or up to par. I only wish I could learn to like myself more. Even if I never become anything great in anyone else’s eyes I want to be happy and pleased knowing I did my best. I want to know who I am and be glad to be me.

Most of all, I want to know who I am.

I feel so empty. Like a blank canvas or lump of clay desiring to be made into something beautiful. Seems when I try to make something of it I smudge the canvas or ruin the clay, having to start all over again. I want to be beautiful. The lasting, eternal beauty, not buried inside hidden, but out being a blessing, being used.

How do I get there from here?

How do I get anywhere from here?

Birthday to celebrate

I had some really deep things I wanted to say. . . but now I am tired and can’t remember what any of it was, lol. No biggie

However, today is my youngest brother Nathan’s birthday. He is turning 19. We are going to have food (his choice of course) and maybe watch a movie. I can already smell the food in the air. I am getting hungry.

He got a video game on the Gamecube as a birthday gift so he has been playing that quite a bit today.

Anyway, I am feeling tired and hungry and there is a birthday to celebrate.

This is my struggle

I was told once that I will see life as beautiful again. Just keep holding on. Believe.

I have been holding on and believing for so long now.

I never minded before. I always knew my day would come. Waiting patiently.

A few months back, someone I really loved and cared about told me I am wasting my time.

What I had never struggled with before has now become my struggle.


If I can’t believe in what I have always believed was true, what is there to believe in?


God has always been my one trust, comfort and answer. I would never believe more in someone else or even myself then I believe in God. How could any answer or way of life be better than His?

Only there was something to what my friend had said.

He looked at my life, my past, and saw so little. So little joy, experience and so little life. I have spent so many years looking to God for the answer, for the way out of all this mess.

Where has He been all this time?

How did I ever get to this place if He has always been here helping me?



I don’t have the answer to this.

This is my struggle.

So. . . God, where are you?

I need you so desperately.



Father, hear my prayer.

Irritated

Do you ever do something for someone purposely trying to be nice and thoughtful only to have it all backfire?

That happened to me today.

Honestly, I am feeling a little irritated. This is how it went. . .

I have been reading a lot in the bible about doing things for others. Purposely showing kindness, caring and love. I also read that we should not favor some over others. Like preferring the rich over the poor for instance.

After reading that I remembered a Sunday recently when my brother, Daniel, came to church with me. I was so concerned about him being around me. The whole “He’s not with me!” thing. That is bad enough, but shortly after we arrived he came up to where I was sitting and asked about where he should sit. I knew he was wanting me to ask him to sit by me, but I didn’t want him to.

You can think I am mean and a snob if you wish but, truth is, you don’t know me or him so it is impossible for you to understand why I would feel so against it, but at the time I did.

He came again last Sunday. I felt that the right thing to do was invite him to sit next to me, but for some reason I didn’t. I felt really bad about that. Later, when I read in my bible about not favoring some over others, I remembered how I had ignored him when I should have shown love. It was just how the people in the scripture had acted towards the poor.

I decided that if I want to show God’s love to strangers, then I should start by showing love to my own brother.

I haven’t been doing HUGE things, but bits here and there when they present themselves. I gave him cookies a couple times. Made him some lunch. Talk to him more. Anything I can do to show more acceptance and understanding.

So, what happened today?

He is leaving on a trip for a week. He had asked me and my brother Ben to not rent any movies while he was gone. The natural reaction by most people would be, “Excuse me?”, “Who made you boss?”, or “I didn’t tell you to go on a trip and miss the movies we are seeing this week?”. This was actually how my brother Nathan thought I should take the situation, but I saw an opportunity to put aside my feeling and do something nice for someone else. I do not have to see them this week and if I wait we can all watch them together. I talked it over with Ben and he agreed to wait, so all was coming together nicely. . .at the time anyway.

Yesterday afternoon, I took a 30 minute nap. When I woke up Ben showed me he had rented Polar Express and War of the Worlds while I was asleep. He had forgotten about our deal. Great. I felt bad for Daniel. So, I brainstormed and decided that honestly was the best and only route to go.

I went to Daniel and told him the deal and apologized but asked if he could make enough time before he leaves to watch them with us. He didn’t seem upset and just said he didn’t know but he would try. Sigh of relief.

That night we watched Polar Express without a hitch.

Today, we had hitches.

At noon I started asking Daniel and Ben when they would be available to watch them. Neither one seemed very hurried to get to it and acted confident that they had all day. Okay then. At around 2:00 Ben comes to me and asks when we are seeing it. So, I gather everyone up at try to get the movie going. Forty minutes in mom comes and says Daniel needs to go to Wal-mart. I was thinking at that moment that we need to just keep watching, but this little voice inside said “Stop the movie until he gets back”. So we stopped it. It is only going to be a 15 minute run anyway, right? Two hours or so later I was calling him to see if we should continue without him. I get assured that they will be back home real quick. Another half-hour or so later they finally come home.

Ben had to leave at 6:30 and never got to see how it ends. Daniel was getting ready to leave during the movie and several times had to get up for moments at a time. Even I missed parts because of the commotion and having to watch dinner I was cooking on the stove.

I was aggravated because if I had not been trying to be so thoughtful and nice I would have told him, “sorry, maybe next time” and Ben and I would have watched the rest this afternoon and avoided making Ben late, interrupting dinner and irritating me. Ten on top of it all, Daniel didn’t get to watch it well enough to understand what was happening in the movie and he ended up running late as well.

I am going to have to find a better balance of being nice vs. what is best. *sigh*, it was an awful mess. I feel better now though. Thanks for letting me vent.

It was by faith. . .

God’s Word is life changing. But only if we choose to let it change us.

I knew this Sunday I was going downhill. Somewhere I let panic and fear sneak in.

I know I need God. I know He is my only hope, but sometimes we need to be reminded how to live like we know. How to put that faith into action.


What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see.    Hebrews 11:1


Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.    Hebrews 10:23


Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.    Hebrews 10:35-36


It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt . . . Moses kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the One who is invisible.    Hebrews 10:27


By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God's command. . .
It was by faith that Abel brought a more acceptable offering to God than Cain did. . .
It was by faith that Enoch was taken up to heaven without dying. . .
It was by faith that Noah built an ark to save his family from the flood. . .
It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him. . .
It was by faith that Sarah together with Abraham was able to have a child. . .
It was by faith that Isaac. . .
It was by faith that Jacob. . .
It was by faith that Joseph. . .
It was by faith. . .
It was by faith. . .
It was by faith. . .
    Hebrews 11


So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs.    Hebrews 12:12


Read Hebrews.

If you do not have a Bible you can read online here
.


All verses I placed here are in New Living Translation (NLT)

all this mess

I wish with everything in me that I could tell you all is well here, all my dreams have come true and life is greater then I ever imagined it could be. I wish with everything in me and all I am that I could.

I pray that it is true and that one day I will.

As for right now, I am not holding together very well. I am not entirely sure why, except things have been so hard.

I haven’t been able to tell anyone anything about me or what is happening in my life. I had two wonderful friends, gifts from God to my life, but they don’t seem available anymore. As for everyone else, they were never here in the first place. I am not saying that they wouldn’t help or be some support. They just have no idea what goes on with me. I think many wonder but never ask. I, for a short time after splitting up with Frank, told people what had happened and sought an ear and help from any kind soul that offered themselves. I quickly learned there can be more harm in it then help. Everyone wants to help and are sweet and kind, but they have no way of seeing just how deep a situation I am in. They are so sorry for me and help me out at first. When it is not fixed in a day or two they start backing off or turn harsh toward me.

I thought it better that I keep this as much between God and me as possible. I don’t wish to be a burden and I don’t expect people to be able to understand. I don’t think there is much that many of them can really do for me anyway.

I know I am suffering from very deep depression as well as times of extreme guilt and unforgivingness. I have been fighting it the only way I know how. Endless prayer, reading my Bible and holding on to every bit of hope and faith I have left.

It is hardest to feel like everyone wants to help you, but also feeling like they can’t. I think at times that I should get a counselor or at least prayer, but who can I trust? Who could I tell who would not cause more harm then help? I don’t need someone to point the finger at me. I don’t need to feel more shame or failure. I need a way out.


Frank and his new woman are still going to church regularly. I don’t know if he is doing well or how he is. I don’t know if he would even want me to talk to him or if he would rather I keep away. I am glad he is coming and being a part of everyone again and feel accepted by them. I just wish it was not ripping me to shreds inside. I didn’t know why it hurt so much. I figured it was because he had someone and I sit there all alone. But today I realized that it is far more complex then that.

What do you do? When your life was already beyond what you knew how to handle or mend.. then something far more painful then you ever knew before that time comes on top of all this mess.

Before I can ever begin to move on I must heal, but in order to heal I feel I need to move on.

This is why I pray. I pray endlessly. God is the only hope for each one of us. Not one is without need of Him. I don’t know what He has in store. I am praying that He will help me every moment of everyday to know what it is I should do and to be sure I do it. I don’t trust in myself. I don’t trust in anyone else. I need God.

I don’t know how or how long it will take, but He will get me through this.