How do I get anywhere from here?

I just now sat down to type out my blog for today and my nose started bleeding. Weird. Also a bit of a nuisance when trying to type. Maybe just the cold weather.

Already the 19th of December. I always thought that being busy made the year go by so fast, but it seems the days flow so much faster now that I don’t have anything happening in life. I would give so much to have something happening.

I have been visiting others blogs. I love to read what other bloggers are writing about. I try to take the time to look at everything on everyone’s site, especially any graphic work they have done. I admire the talent and diversity of everyone’s tastes and abilities. I am thankful to others being willing to show their talents. I have learned so much by watching how they set up their sites and their graphic work. I only hope I can inspire a few with some of my ideas and creations.

I wish I could be content with being myself. I have noticed that I think far lower of myself then anyone else. It has kept me from trying so many things, from becoming anything. Even as I look at others site work and ideas I get a feeling of despair. Feeling that I will never be quite good enough or up to par. I only wish I could learn to like myself more. Even if I never become anything great in anyone else’s eyes I want to be happy and pleased knowing I did my best. I want to know who I am and be glad to be me.

Most of all, I want to know who I am.

I feel so empty. Like a blank canvas or lump of clay desiring to be made into something beautiful. Seems when I try to make something of it I smudge the canvas or ruin the clay, having to start all over again. I want to be beautiful. The lasting, eternal beauty, not buried inside hidden, but out being a blessing, being used.

How do I get there from here?

How do I get anywhere from here?

Birthday to celebrate

I had some really deep things I wanted to say. . . but now I am tired and can’t remember what any of it was, lol. No biggie

However, today is my youngest brother Nathan’s birthday. He is turning 19. We are going to have food (his choice of course) and maybe watch a movie. I can already smell the food in the air. I am getting hungry.

He got a video game on the Gamecube as a birthday gift so he has been playing that quite a bit today.

Anyway, I am feeling tired and hungry and there is a birthday to celebrate.

This is my struggle

I was told once that I will see life as beautiful again. Just keep holding on. Believe.

I have been holding on and believing for so long now.

I never minded before. I always knew my day would come. Waiting patiently.

A few months back, someone I really loved and cared about told me I am wasting my time.

What I had never struggled with before has now become my struggle.


If I can’t believe in what I have always believed was true, what is there to believe in?


God has always been my one trust, comfort and answer. I would never believe more in someone else or even myself then I believe in God. How could any answer or way of life be better than His?

Only there was something to what my friend had said.

He looked at my life, my past, and saw so little. So little joy, experience and so little life. I have spent so many years looking to God for the answer, for the way out of all this mess.

Where has He been all this time?

How did I ever get to this place if He has always been here helping me?



I don’t have the answer to this.

This is my struggle.

So. . . God, where are you?

I need you so desperately.



Father, hear my prayer.

Irritated

Do you ever do something for someone purposely trying to be nice and thoughtful only to have it all backfire?

That happened to me today.

Honestly, I am feeling a little irritated. This is how it went. . .

I have been reading a lot in the bible about doing things for others. Purposely showing kindness, caring and love. I also read that we should not favor some over others. Like preferring the rich over the poor for instance.

After reading that I remembered a Sunday recently when my brother, Daniel, came to church with me. I was so concerned about him being around me. The whole “He’s not with me!” thing. That is bad enough, but shortly after we arrived he came up to where I was sitting and asked about where he should sit. I knew he was wanting me to ask him to sit by me, but I didn’t want him to.

You can think I am mean and a snob if you wish but, truth is, you don’t know me or him so it is impossible for you to understand why I would feel so against it, but at the time I did.

He came again last Sunday. I felt that the right thing to do was invite him to sit next to me, but for some reason I didn’t. I felt really bad about that. Later, when I read in my bible about not favoring some over others, I remembered how I had ignored him when I should have shown love. It was just how the people in the scripture had acted towards the poor.

I decided that if I want to show God’s love to strangers, then I should start by showing love to my own brother.

I haven’t been doing HUGE things, but bits here and there when they present themselves. I gave him cookies a couple times. Made him some lunch. Talk to him more. Anything I can do to show more acceptance and understanding.

So, what happened today?

He is leaving on a trip for a week. He had asked me and my brother Ben to not rent any movies while he was gone. The natural reaction by most people would be, “Excuse me?”, “Who made you boss?”, or “I didn’t tell you to go on a trip and miss the movies we are seeing this week?”. This was actually how my brother Nathan thought I should take the situation, but I saw an opportunity to put aside my feeling and do something nice for someone else. I do not have to see them this week and if I wait we can all watch them together. I talked it over with Ben and he agreed to wait, so all was coming together nicely. . .at the time anyway.

Yesterday afternoon, I took a 30 minute nap. When I woke up Ben showed me he had rented Polar Express and War of the Worlds while I was asleep. He had forgotten about our deal. Great. I felt bad for Daniel. So, I brainstormed and decided that honestly was the best and only route to go.

I went to Daniel and told him the deal and apologized but asked if he could make enough time before he leaves to watch them with us. He didn’t seem upset and just said he didn’t know but he would try. Sigh of relief.

That night we watched Polar Express without a hitch.

Today, we had hitches.

At noon I started asking Daniel and Ben when they would be available to watch them. Neither one seemed very hurried to get to it and acted confident that they had all day. Okay then. At around 2:00 Ben comes to me and asks when we are seeing it. So, I gather everyone up at try to get the movie going. Forty minutes in mom comes and says Daniel needs to go to Wal-mart. I was thinking at that moment that we need to just keep watching, but this little voice inside said “Stop the movie until he gets back”. So we stopped it. It is only going to be a 15 minute run anyway, right? Two hours or so later I was calling him to see if we should continue without him. I get assured that they will be back home real quick. Another half-hour or so later they finally come home.

Ben had to leave at 6:30 and never got to see how it ends. Daniel was getting ready to leave during the movie and several times had to get up for moments at a time. Even I missed parts because of the commotion and having to watch dinner I was cooking on the stove.

I was aggravated because if I had not been trying to be so thoughtful and nice I would have told him, “sorry, maybe next time” and Ben and I would have watched the rest this afternoon and avoided making Ben late, interrupting dinner and irritating me. Ten on top of it all, Daniel didn’t get to watch it well enough to understand what was happening in the movie and he ended up running late as well.

I am going to have to find a better balance of being nice vs. what is best. *sigh*, it was an awful mess. I feel better now though. Thanks for letting me vent.

It was by faith. . .

God’s Word is life changing. But only if we choose to let it change us.

I knew this Sunday I was going downhill. Somewhere I let panic and fear sneak in.

I know I need God. I know He is my only hope, but sometimes we need to be reminded how to live like we know. How to put that faith into action.


What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see.    Hebrews 11:1


Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.    Hebrews 10:23


Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.    Hebrews 10:35-36


It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt . . . Moses kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the One who is invisible.    Hebrews 10:27


By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God's command. . .
It was by faith that Abel brought a more acceptable offering to God than Cain did. . .
It was by faith that Enoch was taken up to heaven without dying. . .
It was by faith that Noah built an ark to save his family from the flood. . .
It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him. . .
It was by faith that Sarah together with Abraham was able to have a child. . .
It was by faith that Isaac. . .
It was by faith that Jacob. . .
It was by faith that Joseph. . .
It was by faith. . .
It was by faith. . .
It was by faith. . .
    Hebrews 11


So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs.    Hebrews 12:12


Read Hebrews.

If you do not have a Bible you can read online here
.


All verses I placed here are in New Living Translation (NLT)

all this mess

I wish with everything in me that I could tell you all is well here, all my dreams have come true and life is greater then I ever imagined it could be. I wish with everything in me and all I am that I could.

I pray that it is true and that one day I will.

As for right now, I am not holding together very well. I am not entirely sure why, except things have been so hard.

I haven’t been able to tell anyone anything about me or what is happening in my life. I had two wonderful friends, gifts from God to my life, but they don’t seem available anymore. As for everyone else, they were never here in the first place. I am not saying that they wouldn’t help or be some support. They just have no idea what goes on with me. I think many wonder but never ask. I, for a short time after splitting up with Frank, told people what had happened and sought an ear and help from any kind soul that offered themselves. I quickly learned there can be more harm in it then help. Everyone wants to help and are sweet and kind, but they have no way of seeing just how deep a situation I am in. They are so sorry for me and help me out at first. When it is not fixed in a day or two they start backing off or turn harsh toward me.

I thought it better that I keep this as much between God and me as possible. I don’t wish to be a burden and I don’t expect people to be able to understand. I don’t think there is much that many of them can really do for me anyway.

I know I am suffering from very deep depression as well as times of extreme guilt and unforgivingness. I have been fighting it the only way I know how. Endless prayer, reading my Bible and holding on to every bit of hope and faith I have left.

It is hardest to feel like everyone wants to help you, but also feeling like they can’t. I think at times that I should get a counselor or at least prayer, but who can I trust? Who could I tell who would not cause more harm then help? I don’t need someone to point the finger at me. I don’t need to feel more shame or failure. I need a way out.


Frank and his new woman are still going to church regularly. I don’t know if he is doing well or how he is. I don’t know if he would even want me to talk to him or if he would rather I keep away. I am glad he is coming and being a part of everyone again and feel accepted by them. I just wish it was not ripping me to shreds inside. I didn’t know why it hurt so much. I figured it was because he had someone and I sit there all alone. But today I realized that it is far more complex then that.

What do you do? When your life was already beyond what you knew how to handle or mend.. then something far more painful then you ever knew before that time comes on top of all this mess.

Before I can ever begin to move on I must heal, but in order to heal I feel I need to move on.

This is why I pray. I pray endlessly. God is the only hope for each one of us. Not one is without need of Him. I don’t know what He has in store. I am praying that He will help me every moment of everyday to know what it is I should do and to be sure I do it. I don’t trust in myself. I don’t trust in anyone else. I need God.

I don’t know how or how long it will take, but He will get me through this.

Here I go?

Ok, I checked out further information on going back to school. The classes are by ICC (Ilionois Central College) They started the free classes in August and they continue through to December. I am hoping and believing they will start them up again the same time next year. If so I have almost a full year to study and learn all I can before I take my placement test.

I saw that they have online prep-classes and online tutoring as well, but one of the requirements for using them is to place at least 9th grade level math. I haven’t taken any placement tests yet and have no idea where my math is. One of the down sides to home-schooling is you never really know what grade or place are, so who knows where I left off. My only concern is that they may not be able to help me if I am too far back in any given subject. In that case I would need to work myself up to a higher level in that area.

When I was in home-school I finished all my classes in Science, Social Studies. I don’t think that would count here so I would have to take the classes yet again. This is a hard pill to swallow, but if it must be done then I will do it.

The classes and testing will cover:

Constitution Test

Language Arts – Reading

Language Arts – Writing

Mathematics

Science

Social Studies



Here I go….

Why wait? Why not?

I had decided to take a couple weeks off from working on my site to work on my life. I knew I wanted to do something but didn’t know what direction I wanted to go. I am eager and proud to say that I am going back to school.

Many had been encouraging me to just get a job. I saw no real future in that. True, I would be making some cash, but I would not necessarily be taking steps toward a better future. I always thought I would have to wait to go to school after I was married, either before kids or take classes while my own kids are in school. Why wait? That would be much more difficult and the beauty of my life at this point is I have the time and financial support to be a full time student. I will finish sooner and then be open to a whole new set of options.

I had struggled this past week with these ideas simply because I don’t know what will be on the other side of my finishing school. I have never wanted to be a career woman. My dream is to be a housewife with kids and care for my family. Cooking, cleaning and caring, these are the things I dream of. In today’s world this is growing harder and harder for people to do. I realize this. I have always said I want to care for my family and be the best I can be for my husband and kids. I know that I will be much better for all of us if I have a good, solid education and even the ability to provide some extra money if needed.

I have always thought I would make sacrifices and work hard for the good of my family but I had not thought as much about what I could be doing in my life right now for them. Right now I want to finish school. After that who knows, but I see nothing but hope and a bright future ahead.

All the thanks be to God for being my continuous help, love and guide through every moment of my life. I am nothing without Him. I have all I need and more with Him. Thank you God, I knew you would get me through and will continue to all the rest of my days. I look forward to living my life for You!

. . . but that day is coming, I know it is. I will be alright.

Sorry that my last blog stop sort of abruptly. My mom wanted the computer rather quickly so I just sent the post as is, unfinished and all.

Cherie talked to me for a while last night and even came to visit me for a while today. I am so grateful for her. She has been such encouragement to me and even healing to my soul in many ways. I am so blessed and grateful to have a friend like her. I never would have imagined I would have someone care for me so much though all of this. I am blessed.

My mom informed me last night that Frank was at church on Sunday morning. I had been so concerned about his not being there anymore and prayed over him many times, yet somehow it shook me up to think about him being back. Actually, it scared me. That is why I called Cherie last night. After finally getting some dreamless sleep this afternoon I feel much better about it. I am glad he is still keeping with God. I do wish him the best just as much as I did before. I just fear at times what might happen to me in all of this. . . .

But, mom assures me that she doesn’t believe he wishes me any harm and I have no reason to fear. I think she is right. I do wish I had the right man here with me now, to not have to go through any of this, to not have to walk into church alone again. . . . but that day is coming, I know it is. I will be alright.

the most unwanted dreams

Sorry for being away for a while. Still learning and growing after all that I have been through. I have had some good days but there is still much to get through.

I am considering going back to school. A friend of mine suggested it to me a few weeks back. At that time I thought, “no way! I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning or convince myself to shower and eat. How will I ever be disciplined enough to study and learn?” I still wonder how best I will do it but I also want to give it a good shot. I don’t know it is it the right move or the direction I will end up going, but I have nothing to loose in trying.

My big problem has been severe depression and will to die. I know I can’t die ( or at least it is not likely to happen), so I want to work at getting past this depression, find a reason to live, a reason to go on. I only wish I wasn’t so alone in all of this.

I know God is there, but I feel so unsure how to talk to Him. What do I need to say for Him to take this life and turn it around? All I ever wanted was to live a life of purity for God, His will and to have a family, husband and kids to care for. So, why does it seem God just sits back and watches? What would He have against me? Nothing. I know this in my heart.

I do have two great friend here for me, but they have their own hard times and own lives to live. I don’t want to ask them to baby-sit me or see that I am doing okay everyday. I am just grateful that they are there and call me their friend.

I think my mom is hurting too. She doesn’t say so. She doesn’t say anything. If talk to her she usually leaves the room, starts talking on the phone or changes the subject to the wallpaper she has been considering for the kitchen. It is so painful to feel I have no parent to turn to in all of this and even more painful when you feel you are being avoided, but I think she is as unsure what to do as I am. I can’t imagine what I would say to my own daughter if she were in my place. I believe I would do different then my own parents by far, but my parents are not me and I am not them. I keep seeing my mom’s face that day she was watching me try on wedding dresses. I had never seen her more happy and proud or more fulfilled as a mother. I wish I had never let that moment get stolen from her.

I haven’t been sleeping well at all. When I do sleep I am plagued by the most unwanted dreams.