Wind Waker awaits!!!!

This is very cool. One of those things you dream of but never really think would happen. Yet it happened.

In this case I mean “dreamed” literally. One night I had a dream about my birthday that would be coming up in a few days. I remember we had a small party and cake. Very nice little birthday celebration, only no one gave any presents. I was a little hurt but then I told myself, “Hey, it isn’t about presents. Be touched that everyone is showing their appreciation for you.” So I let it go. Shortly after that by brother Ben comes to me hand hands me Zelda: Wind Waker. Puzzled I said, “It is a nice gift, a wonderful gift, but I don’t have a gamecube.” Ben just shrugged his shoulders and said that he knows I might someday so he figured it was a good gift to get in advance. If you haven’t already guessed, shortly after I was given a gamecube by my parents.

Now that was the dream. The reality wasn’t much different. We had a small dinner and we all enjoyed ourselves, but no presents. A couple days later I had Cherie over, just hanging out and Ben walks into my room and hands me, you guessed it, Zelda: Wind Waker. I looked at is funny, said, “What is this?” and then looked at Ben funny. I told him it is nice but in case he forgot we don’t have a gamecube at this time. He mumbled something and left the room. I was left standing there, scratching my head, while wondering what to do with a game that has no system.

A few minutes later Ben came in and handed me a small black object. Once again I asked him what it was and he said, “It is a memory card for when you play Zelda.” I was really lost now and a little embarrassed that Cherie is seeing me get all this stuff for a system I don’t even have. But, sure enough, Ben comes over to me shortly after and hands me a box. Finally, I had all I needed to once again play Zelda. . . only I really want Zelda: Ocarina of Time too. . . How ungrateful of me. I will get it someday soon. Until then, Wind Waker awaits!!!!

Shining all the brighter

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Turned 25 today. I am not real sure how I feel about that. It isn’t bad by any means to turn 25. I am still quite young, but I had so much more that I wanted to accomplish before now. Where did the time go?

I keep having this feeling like I should ask some of those around me who are older and wiser about there experiences in life. How did they feel when they were in my time of life? Did they ever share the same fears and doubts that I do? Will it all really work out for good in the end?

I think I will do that. I have a feeling that I am not alone in my fears. I think even those who seem so cool and so confident aren’t always as much as they wish us to believe they are. I know and believe there is an assurance and a confidence we find in God (something I have yet to master). However, there are those who have no relationship with God at all who always seem so sure, but I doubt it is true.

I am really starting to think that many of us feel the same things and even deal with very similar things inside each of us each day. I guess most of the difference is really in how we deal or react to these thing rather then our worlds really being so vastly different from one another.

I think over and over that no one knows how I feel or what I am going through, but maybe more of you do then I can realize.

I do think I will get through this. So many have gone before me and gotten through the same and much worse and have lived to see much brighter days and beauty I have yet to know.

With God, I will get through and see what else He has in store for me in this life.

I will get through.

The light shining all the brighter.

In dreams, it feels even farther away

I am feeling a lot better about some of the decisions I was having to make. I am so thankful that Sara allows me to talk things through with her and be honest about how I feel, any reservations of concerns I have. If only all friendships could be more like that.

I still don’t know for sure what I will be doing and what I won’t, but I do think I will be making a little money now. It would be an answer to prayer if I could get some small jobs here and there. Jobs I actually have some skill and interest in. Then I can help pay my parents back. I felt so forced to get ready for the wedding I though was going to happen. I still had a doubt here and there, but I would tell myself I need to grow, I need to finally get out and move on. Now we are paying for it not only emotionally but also in cash.

I had so many people on every side telling me I have to get ready. I only wish I would have listened to my heart. There are still people all around telling me what I need to do and what I should have done, but I don’t always listen so quickly now. I guess that is a blessing in the end. Grown wiser, but there is still a dress I need to pay off.



I feel sad. I checked my email a little while ago. A girl I used to know had a baby boy. I remember she would always talk about one day being married and having children. I was dreaming the same dream right along with her. Only she is living it and I am still just dreaming. My heart is breaking. She is about 5 years younger then I am and she already has a wonderful Christian husband and beautiful new baby boy. God, what did I do so wrong? Why do you have me go through all of this pain?

For years now it has been hard for me to be around weddings and babies and anything that reminds me of them. Now it is even harder then it ever was before. In my dreams it feels even farther away. I hate being here and I have been here for what seems like a lifetime.

God, don’t let this be all my life ever is.

Don’t let all the dreams die away.

Help me.

I believe that you are out there
One less call to answer,

feeling full of despair,

don't think I can get through it,

just one last prayer.



And it's a leap of faith,

when you believe there's someone out there,

it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,

and when I call out to you,

will you be right there,

right there.



Searching for the answer,

nobody seems to care,

Oh how I wish that you were here,

beside me,

to wipe away my tears.



And it's a leap of faith,

when you believe there's someone out there,

it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,

and when I call out to you,

will you be right there,

right there.



Waiting for the answer,

remembering times we would share,

somehow I feel you here beside me,

even though your not there.



And it's a leap of faith,

when you believe there's someone out there,

it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,

and when I call out to you,

will you be right there-



Right there---

And I'll be waiting by the window for your smile to come through,

and I'll be waiting in the darkness when I call out to you,

and I'll remember when you told me,

I could trust in you-



And it's a leap of faith,

when you believe there's someone out there,

it's a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares,

and when I call out to you,

will you be right there-

It's a leap of faith,

and I believe that you are out there,

it's a leap of faith and I believe you truly care,

and when I call out to you,

I know you'll be right there,

right there,

and it's a leap of faith.

 

So many things to think about. Sara has placed a rather large decision in my lap because of a rather big situation that happened in hers. One night while we were out walking she started telling me about her husband needing to go out of town for his work. At the time it was going to be a two month deal. I imagine two months feels like an eternity in a situation like that. She knows all about my current situation, no life, so she ended up asking me if I could spend more time with her during the two months so that it would be a little easier on her. I didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t. I even believe in many ways it would be fun and a blessing to both of us.

I went home feeling really good about the whole possibility. The only thing that bothered me was she asked if I would be willing to stay in her guest room. More of a temporary move in type thing. I have just started to get back to having a somewhat stable life again after everything with Frank. I don’t really care to find myself in the same type of situation. I know she works all day and I would be stuck at her house with nothing to do except maybe housework. No thanks.

The next night we went out walking again and I told her I would love to be there for her while he is away only I want to stay home while she is at work. Then she informs me that there is much more to her situation then just wanting someone around. She is wanting to remodel, at least paint and rip up the carpet, in her living room. She figured I could work on that during the day while she is at work. I know I am far too nice a person and have way too much heart for others otherwise I would have just backed out right there. I just left a relationship where I gave, gave, gave and worked, worked, worked and for nothing at all in return. It broke my heart so much and still hurts me to think about it. I don’t think I can ever take something like that again and definitely not now. But I didn’t say that.

Another wonderful thing Frank has taught me. If I ever try to look over how much wisdom there is in a situation especially checking out God’s will, he would always accuse me of being afraid to move. Pushing and pushing until I feel that I must do the job to please everyone, to prove that I do care, that I can do it. I still believe Frank means well but if it wasn’t for God saving me he would have destroyed me completely.

So here I am, Faced with a change and a choice to make. I see how it is but rather then tell Sara any concerns the Franks voice in my head starts pushing me to do it. I just told myself to push my needs and feeling aside and so the job that needs done. Pushing away the pain.

Sara informed me of many more things that same night. Things that complicate it so much more. Making it hard to even know how to respond or if it would even be possible for me to do at all.

Rather then being gone for two months he will be gone for the whole winter.

Sara needs a nursery put together and finished because they are wanting to adopt very soon.

There is a chance that the baby will come while Adam is gone and she would like me to be the nanny.

The baby very well could be an HIV baby or a crack baby and they may be able to adopt more than one.



Could I really do all of this? Should I? As far as I know I would be getting zero income from any and all work I do for her, but is it really right to say no because of no pay? Especially when I have nothing going on in my life at this time to keep me from having the time to help her?

Mom and Cherie say no. Mom thinks that even if I go into helping her with the decision to do only a little here and there that it may turn out to be a runaway train and not easy to get back off once it gets started.

I feel like I have been on this runaway for about seven months already. I really want off.

I told Sara Wednesday night after church all of my concerns, or at least the ones I was having at that time. Thankfully Sara is a wonderful friend with a loving and understanding heart. As far as I can see she understood where I was coming from and did not want to push me into anything. I only hope she will still be as understanding if it turns out that I can’t be there for her as much as she would like.



I feel so bad inside tonight because Frank’s voice and pushing haunts me. I hate that I still feel that I must perform to be excepted and to be worthy. I am so afraid that if I do not do absolutely everything I can possibly do for Sara, giving 180% and without failure of any kind that Frank will hear about it and decided that he was right about me. That he would believe I am a failure. Worse yet, that he would believe a life dependent on God only leads to failure and becoming absolutely no one at all. I lived in this sort of fear and endlessly trying to please him for the last seven months. It was so destructive and painful and I am still trying to learn to the truth again. Wash away all that he filled me head with. But the hardest thing about it all was realizing that no matter what I did he was never satisfied. Nothing was ever good enough. I could never even get a compliment out of him. Just more words about how much harder I need to push, how much more I need to get done.

Sara would never come close to being like Frank was to me. That is not the issue. My real concern is am I doing it because I should, because it is God’s will? Or would I be once again trying to prove to him something that he will never be big enough to see.

I still care about Frank with all of my heart. My heart aches for him and his kids each day, but I thank God every moment I can that He heard my cries for help and saved me. I think God that He kept me from destroying this life he has blessed me with. Now I pray that God will heal what is left of the pain and renew my mind, but also save Frank and his kids from himself.

God, he needs you so much. Help him to really find you.

 

Life has been such a roller coaster ride this week and I don’t think it is going to let up any time soon. I really can’t say how much of it is good or bad yet. Not because there is an reason to conceal but simply because I will not know until I am deeper in it. That is a little scary. Knowing there are things coming up in life and you have no idea if you should be excited and joyful or if it will be another hard time. I am wanting to just choose to be joyful whatever may come and I know that with God I have the ability, but after all that has happened it seems it is not as easy. But God will get me through this too.

I ended up doing a very stupid thing this week. Sara has been telling me that I should be very careful about keeping contact with Frank (the guy who was so regrettably a part of my life this summer). She has been concerned about his negative effect on me and taking me so much for granted. When we were together I never knew how to deal with this. In fact he would lead me to believe I was the one in the wrong. I spent a whole summer trying so hard to grow, learn, become a better person and even working hard to do all and anything I could for him and his kids, become the perfect women. All for a man who never did a thing in return and expected far more than I even gave him.

I realize I should have left, I should have had more sense then that. I wish I could explain why I stayed, why I put up with so much just to have my heart broken and dreams fade, but I don’t think you could ever really understand. Sometimes I still don’t.

Even though there was no reason for me to do a thing more for him, I wanted more then anything to stick by him and remain his friend even now. As a Christian he has so much more to learn and so much more God is wanting to do in his life. I felt I had spent for too many hours in prayer over him to give up on him now.

Last night I decided to give him a call and see how things are going. My heart wishes I never had because that call hurt so much, but wisdom and experience tells me that I am blessed to finally see who he really and what he does to me is even if it hurts.

I believe God finally opened my eyes to see what is really going on and where life might lead me if I stick too close to Frank. There still is and may always be a part of me that wants to be there for him and wants to see him become all God has planned for him to be. But I need to live my life and my life is God’s. I hope and pray that one day Frank will understand what I was trying to say, that one day he will finally be free.



Frank, I am sorry that I had to walk away, but I must leave you in God’s hands. Please let Him.

 

It is still fresh and hurting. I don't feel much like writing about it, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to cry over him any more. He doesn't deserve my tears. He doesn't deserve any of what I have worked so hard to give him, then for him to toss it all aside as if it were nothing at all.

I can't keep letting you do this to me. I can't be here for you anymore. I have to let you go for good this time.

I have prayed for you just to hear you mock my faith. I have cried from the pain you create, forgiving you again each time, just to have you tell me how I let you down. I have worked harder for you than anyone or anything ever before in my life to receive nothing in return.

How can you still speak to me this way?

How can you still see me as lacking so much?

How can you still be missing all of the love I have poured out on you?

How can you still think it is me?

How can you hurt me this much and never feel a thing?

Don't you ever see a thing?

Has it all been in vain?



What will you do when you finally realize what it is you so willingly let go?

Because I won't be here anymore.

 

I think you know what I'm getting at

i find it so upsetting that

The memories that you select

You keep the bad but the good ones you forget



And even though I'm angry I can still say

I know my heart will break the day

When you peel out and drive away

I can't believe this happend



And all this time I never thought

That all we had would be all for not



No, I don't hate you

Don't want to fight you

Know I'll always love you

But right now I just don't like you

Know I don't hate you

Don't want to fight you

Know I'll always love you

But right now I just dont like you

Cause you took this to far



Make your decision and don't you dare think twice

Go with your instincts along with some bad advice

This didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all

You blame me but some of this is still your fault



I tried to move you, but you wouldn't budge

I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge

I think you know what I'm getting at

You said good-bye and I just don't want you regretting that



And wisdom always chooses

These black eyes and these bruises

Over the heartache that they say

Never completly goes away

(I just can't believe this happend

And one day we'll see this come around)



What happend to us

I heard that it's me we should blame

What happend to us

Why didn't you stop me from turning out this way

And know that I don't hate you

And know that I don't want to fight you

And know that I'll always love you

But right now I just dont...

 

Today was fun.

Some of the teachers at church have been getting the kids involved in raising money for those in need. Last Saturday they raised I believe it was $48 for the hurricane victims. Today we raised money for a boy’s shelter in Jamaica through our Jamaica missions team. I don’t know how much money we raised today, but we decided to meet together next Saturday and see if we can sell some more.

It has been such a blessing to be out again, getting involved. I haven’t been doing a whole lot. I wouldn’t call it a big impact, but it has still been so healing to me and I pray that it has been helpful and ministering to others as well.

Thank you God, You are so faithful and lovely to me.

 

I got out of the house last night and spent some time with some friends. I need to be doing that more often, especially now, but somehow it has just been easier to hide away. I spent a long time talking to my friend Sara. Sara and her husband are the ones who introduced me to the guy who recently left my life. They say they “brought us together”, but in reality, we all go to the same small little church and I was bound to meet him sooner or later. They just made it happen a lot faster and easier (for his part anyway).

I love Sara and Adam so much and I am continually thankful to God for bringing them into my life. They both know that it has been a very hard time. They have been so supportive. It is so wonderful to know there are people there when I need someone to turn to or just a place to get away to for a little while.

So, last night I was feeling the need to get out and get away from my little world for a while. I called Sara and she invited me right over. We talked for quite a while about what is going on with me now and my not being sure of what to do, or even what is really going on. Sara is just as lost and unsure about what has happened as everyone else, but it was nice to talk about it to someone who was there. Most people saw everything going on from the outside, but Sara was right there for a lot of it.

The only thing I didn’t expect and had not crossed my mind, is how Sara and Adam would feel personally about what happened. It was hard for me to hear that they had been hurt also. It is bad enough for me to suffer through this, but never would I have wanted any other to travel this road with me.

I know Sara and Adam will heal and forgive. They are both strong Christians who dearly love the Lord. My concern is how is he taking it? Does he feel that everyone is against him now? Does he think I am against him? Is he just as confused towards God and where He was all this time?

I would just call and ask him these things. Maybe he would tell me how he feels inside. But I am not sure he would wish to open up. He never opened up too easily when we were at our closest so there is little reason for him to feel like it now.

I am sending up prayers for him and all others concerned.

It will be alright. I know that now.

It still hurts at times, some times more then others, but I have grown enough to know that it is not too late.