Good to feel the warmth of the sun again

I have been working endlessly studying html, layout design, tables and such for the past month.
It hasn?t all been easy, but I have learned more about everything html in that month then I had learned in all the years combined.


I started doing this out of a need to work out emotions through a creative task or talent. Desperate to work out the pain and loss of this past year. I found the idea after hearing our pastor talk about his daughter dealing with emotions and depression by working in their garden. I had already tried a so many things only to find myself deeper in depression and despair. Yet when I heard him speak of his daughter it reminded me of myself.


I used to do many constructive things before I met Frank, but when I saw the task of new wife and instant mother before me, I put aside everything that I used to do and used to mean so much to me. I was sure that those things didn?t mean anything to life. Besides, I was getting a new life, right? I lost my identity when I made that decision. I don?t think Frank would have stood for me wanting to keep any of those creative vents in my life even if I had chose to keep them. Truth is, I didn?t realize just how important all of it is for me.


When I was just a little girl, getting ready to ender kindergarten, my mom saw even then my love for arts and creative tasks. I didn?t want to do anything else. Once I entered kindergarten, she truly feared I would be held back because I desired so much to work in the crafts and arts. In fact, I excelled at them. You could give me a project far beyond my age ability and I would do better than those the task intended. It was something imbedded into who I am.


As I got older my desire only increased, but the demands of school and all that society sees as important continually hindered my progress. I was not blessed with parents or teachers that cared for my creative talents or identified the need in me. I however felt it. I have always craved to have my hand at work in something. Anyone in my family will tell you I can never leave any surface untouched. My greatest happiness often comes at the ability to customize something to whatever my heart desires.


I never learned to value any of it as a real talent or ability. It was always just something I do for myself in the privacy of my home. I never tell people any of the arts I train myself in or projects I am currently doing. I never even mention my websites. I learned early on that it was not something people valued or even cared about. I honestly thought it meant nothing to anyone but me.


I saw all of this that day, when Pastor Jim spoke of his daughter. I had pushed aside all that makes up me and the very talents God had placed in me. I knew I need to do something. Anything.


I was still trying to decide what I should do when Cherie visited me for Christmas. I never talk to people about my graphic design and, honestly, I don?t think I am all that good at it. But somehow that day, the conversation drifted to that very subject.


I told her how much I love and crave to design. She knew how much I used to work at interior design, but she didn?t seem to remember my ever mentioning my graphic design work. I told her how my life had always been filled with art projects of every kind and although I find graphic design to be the trickiest and sometimes most frustrating it was also the one thing I could not bare to part with when I was with Frank. I was actually afraid to stop working in graphics and web design. She pointed out to me how important these talents really are. That I shouldn?t look at them as nothing because it is not a collage degree or doctor career. It is obviously something God placed in my from the start and He does not do these things by accident.


That conversation lit a new flame in me. Small, but the first hint of life and hope I had felt for what seemed an eternity. I told her my dream of starting a free graphic site and entering some online competitions. She encouraged me to go for it and chase the dream and work on my talent. I started to back out and say that I know so little, am so far behind and have never gone to school for any kind of art or site training. She encouraged me to learn and grow in it and not be afraid to step out.


I stepped out.


The very next day I looked over this site and realized my need to increase my knowledge. I had always relied on copying everyone else?s html and changing it to fit my needs. I wanted to learn to write it all out for myself and better ways to design layouts. I saw the need and worked to fill it.


All of this started in December of 2005. I have more than tripled all I knew before and continue to learn more each day. At times all of it overwhelms me. I even wonder if I should bother, if I could ever put any of it to use I the future. I know there is always the chance, that I will drop all of this one day to raise a family or even find that I don?t have as much talent for graphic and design as I would need. But it has helped me to grow out of where I was and put the broken dreams of last year to rest. I think my favorite part about it has been realizing I do have a talent. I am something more than just the quite, friendless, lost girl so many think they know. I am more then I ever let myself think before.


I look forward to discovering that more each day and in many other areas of life.


It is good to feel the warmth of the sun once again.