all this mess

I wish with everything in me that I could tell you all is well here, all my dreams have come true and life is greater then I ever imagined it could be. I wish with everything in me and all I am that I could.

I pray that it is true and that one day I will.

As for right now, I am not holding together very well. I am not entirely sure why, except things have been so hard.

I haven’t been able to tell anyone anything about me or what is happening in my life. I had two wonderful friends, gifts from God to my life, but they don’t seem available anymore. As for everyone else, they were never here in the first place. I am not saying that they wouldn’t help or be some support. They just have no idea what goes on with me. I think many wonder but never ask. I, for a short time after splitting up with Frank, told people what had happened and sought an ear and help from any kind soul that offered themselves. I quickly learned there can be more harm in it then help. Everyone wants to help and are sweet and kind, but they have no way of seeing just how deep a situation I am in. They are so sorry for me and help me out at first. When it is not fixed in a day or two they start backing off or turn harsh toward me.

I thought it better that I keep this as much between God and me as possible. I don’t wish to be a burden and I don’t expect people to be able to understand. I don’t think there is much that many of them can really do for me anyway.

I know I am suffering from very deep depression as well as times of extreme guilt and unforgivingness. I have been fighting it the only way I know how. Endless prayer, reading my Bible and holding on to every bit of hope and faith I have left.

It is hardest to feel like everyone wants to help you, but also feeling like they can’t. I think at times that I should get a counselor or at least prayer, but who can I trust? Who could I tell who would not cause more harm then help? I don’t need someone to point the finger at me. I don’t need to feel more shame or failure. I need a way out.


Frank and his new woman are still going to church regularly. I don’t know if he is doing well or how he is. I don’t know if he would even want me to talk to him or if he would rather I keep away. I am glad he is coming and being a part of everyone again and feel accepted by them. I just wish it was not ripping me to shreds inside. I didn’t know why it hurt so much. I figured it was because he had someone and I sit there all alone. But today I realized that it is far more complex then that.

What do you do? When your life was already beyond what you knew how to handle or mend.. then something far more painful then you ever knew before that time comes on top of all this mess.

Before I can ever begin to move on I must heal, but in order to heal I feel I need to move on.

This is why I pray. I pray endlessly. God is the only hope for each one of us. Not one is without need of Him. I don’t know what He has in store. I am praying that He will help me every moment of everyday to know what it is I should do and to be sure I do it. I don’t trust in myself. I don’t trust in anyone else. I need God.

I don’t know how or how long it will take, but He will get me through this.